Fresh Five: The Jumpoffs

During my *ahem* 2+ hour commute to work this morning (you fuggas gotta learn how to drive. It’s just rain damnit!!!), I had plenty of time to think of a post but I had a serious mental block until I got a phone call from my home slice asking me for some man-advice. She’s an attractive one if I may say so myself, got it going on, just seems to fall for the idiots. As she’s describing her situation, I stopped her half way through and had to break the news to her. Sorry homie but you are The Jumpoff. (for those unfamiliar with the term, please refer to urban dictionary for more info http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jumpoff

So I’d like to dedicate this post to….The Jumpoffs.

Fresh Five Ways to know that you are The Jumpoff….(i’m sure there are many more than 5).

1 – IDK MY BFF. The only way the person communicates with you is via text messages. He/She (lets be fair here…some women play the game too) never or shall I say rarely call you. It’s always “hey sexy or hey [insert term of endearment]” and then “cw2cu” and that’s it and when you tell them to call you because your fingers are tired of typing, here comes the excuse. What’s happening behind the scenes? He/She really with his #1 and can’t break away so when they do, like to go take a shit or something, they bring their phone and type you some quick message from the toilet and then disappear for hours. “Oh you sent me a message? I didn’t get it?!?!?…..Damn cell phone be fuggin’ up..”

2 – THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT and so do your jumpoffs. Have you ever seen said “friend” of yours in the daylight? Maybe once? Ok, ok, twice. But usually as soon as the sun goes down, what happens? You get a call. No….you get a text. “Missing you. Thinking about you. Can I come see you?” So you give in, say yes, they come over AND…you bump skins for a few hours. Oooooh baby…oooooh like that…..As soon as the deed is done, your “friend” takes a shower and rolls out. Skidaddles. Vamoose. Next day – you get another text.

3 – THEY CALL ME SUNSHINE. Your jumpoff doesn’t really have time to remember your name, after all, you could very well be one of many. So instead of having to remember names, you get a nickname. Sunshine. Juicy. Bubblebutt. KillaDick. Caramel. Some shit. You get the point. They never ever call you by your government name. When your jumpoff talks about you to other people, it’s by nickname. “Yo, you still fuggin’ with Bubblebutt?!?!”

4 –LET ME INTRODUCE YOU to NOBODY. It’s been a year, 365 days (you better hope it’s not a leap year) and you know nothing about your jumpoff other than their first name. Have you ever met their family? Umm….probably not. Have you met any of their friends? Usually the time you meet their friends is if you just happen to show up to the same place as them because you damn sure weren’t invited. Jumpoffs don’t get invites. That’s against the rules of jumpoffology. Jumpoffs don’t get introduced either because once that happens, that could be perceived as an act of caring or interest.

5 – DISAPPEARING ACTS. Let’s say #2 happens, your jumpoff comes over for some grown up action, everything is all good and then you don’t hear from them for like days. You get a text message days later talking about “Where you been?” You talk to your “friend” in damn increments. 2 days in a row then nothing for like 3 weeks. Then mysteriously they re-appear asking if they can come over. Poof. Now you see me. Poof. Now you don’t.

BONUS:

6 – PARANOIAFIDGETITUS. What the hell is that Fresh? Paranoiafidgetitus? I just made the shit up 🙂  It’s a condition that combines paranoia and being fidgety. After nagging the shit out of your “friend”, they finally succumb to the pressure and decide that you guys can go out somewhere…..restaurant let’s say. (they’re only doing this to give you the impression that it’s more than sex but really its just to keep you around). Anyway, you get to the restaurant and said “friend” just keeps looking around, over the shoulder, not looking at you but eyeing every damn person that walks in making sure that they don’t know anybody. They are paranoid and they won’t fuggin’ keep still. They have paranoiafidgetitus.

This has been public service announcement from Always Funky Fresh.

~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on October 26, 2007.