Top 10 Reasons Your Ass is Single

After yesterday’s post and finding out that despite my advice, it happened, I figured instead of my other Top 10 for today, I gotta post a new one…

Top 10 Reasons Your Ass is Single…..

1. You do stupid shit….

You decided to fuck someone else’s man in a car in the parking lot behind the office building. Oh, dude likes you but the first time you do it is in the car?!?! Maybe because he lives with his girlfriend – can’t go there huh? Not even a hotel? A motel? The car. Hey, at least that’s better than fucking him in the same bed he and his girlfriend sleep in because that was option #1. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, you’re a CJ – Certified Jumpoff.

2. You’re too easy….

Whatever happened to the chase?

3. You’re too quick….

Two weeks ago you met some dude on My.Space. You were instantly attracted. Y’all hit it off. He moved in with you this past weekend and on Monday, the doorbell rings with these two kids asking what you did with their daddy. How well do you know these people? You’re just quick to jump because well, they’re breathing so it’s all good. Slow down homie….Real love ain’t goin’ nowhere.

4. You want this and this…but need that….

Really, you don’t know the difference. You want a man that has 3 degrees, a six figure job, a B.enz and a R.ange, good hair, loves his mother blah blah blah. But that same man is a player, cheats behind your back and is abusive. You don’t see it because he has all of what you want. But what you really NEED is someone to love you and accept you for who you are and that may come from a person who doesn’t have all you want.

5. You know that all men are the same……

We’re dogs. Woof. Woof. Sit U.bu sit. Good dog. So you go into a relationship thinking I ain’t shit. And you’re comparing me to your ex that did all of this other crap to you. Well, news flash, I’m not him and will never be him and could frankly care less about him. If what you went through in the past was so excruciating, go seek professional help. But if it wasn’t, stop dragging the past into the present or there will be no future. Let it go.

6. You dress like a ho….

Sorry I feel like being blunt today. Now I, like the next man, love a woman in a tight freak’um dress, some heels, you name it. But that’s nighttime gear, not work gear. Okay, maybe that example is the extreme. My point is if you’re always wearing some scantily clad shit, if I always see your thong or ass crack in your jeans or if you stay rocking the tight tight stuff that makes your breasts gasp for air, the last thing I think about is soulmate. I’m thinking when and how can I hit that?!? And you will attract many more that think like me. There’s a difference between classy and nasty.

7. You’re just not ready…..

You’ve got work to do. On yourself. Whatever you feel inside, shows on the outside. If you put your finest on and look in the mirror and say “i’m the shit”, the whole day you will walk with a strut that yells sexy and confidence. You gotta make sure you’re right before you’ll find Mr. Right.

8. You don’t believe in yourself………

I’ll never find a man. You’re right. Keep thinking like that and you won’t.

9. You’re too hardcore…..

Man, I remember back in my “courting” days, I would go up to some women and say something nice and simple, only to have them unleash rounds of fury on me. I would say” Hello, excuse me” and get back “What motherf*cker what?!? Yes excuse you, what the hell do you want?!?” It’s understandable cause when you’re used to a dude grabbing your hand or ass in the club, you have the right to unleash but sometimes, if the man isn’t annoying, you can just relax…..

10. You’re really the Jumpoff…..

I wrote a whole post on this a while ago. Read it HERE. I hate to break the news to you but uhhh, there are signs for this and it’s a damn good chance he never had any intention of committing to be with you but the punani is damn good though…..Sorry……know where you s


~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on May 7, 2008.

11 Responses to “Top 10 Reasons Your Ass is Single”

  1. LMAO sending link to a few who need to read this!!! hahahaaa

  2. i see ur back to ur old self

  3. Sit Ubu sit!!!!! Good dog. (My favorite next to “we’re not candy”)

    See, you and me are shaking the blog funk. Told you we needed to go back to basics. This is more like the old Fresh!!!

  4. So True!!!

  5. Very good list!

  6. o.m.GOODNESS!! man i need to pass this on to some bitter chicks i know!!

  7. man i know SO MANY people who need to read this. lol.

    you’re still cracking me up fresh.

    i hope SHE reads this too.

  8. BRAVO…dumb hoes!

  9. *checking the list*


  10. “What motherf*cker what?!? Yes excuse you, what the hell do you want?!?” Hilarious, but true! Or faces are always scrunched up…SMILE, DAMMIT!!!

  11. […] I was on a blog I like checking for an update, and ended up on a post from earlier this year… “Top 10 Reasons Your Ass is Single”. Wow. (Thank you Fresh, hope you don’t mind.) So I’m reading it and I’m very interested […]

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