Fresh Five: Get Your Turkey Stuffed
Another edition of Fresh Five…Now I know some of you are going to be enjoying Thanksgiving with that special person in your life and this could very well be the first time you’re meeting the fam. So it is my loyal duty to give you some “advice”. Some survival tips so that you don’t get your turkey stuffed on Thanksgiving….#1 – Don’t go empty handed. Bring something. A bottle of wine is always nice but you should find out if the fam drinks first. Do your research. You don’t want to show up with pig feet and they don’t eat pork. 🙂 So wine is a safe bet. Desserts are a safe bet. If you’re going to make something, make sure your ass can cook/bake. Don’t get experimental with a dish that you’ve never made before. If you don’t bring a thing (because the person you’re going with said so), then offer to help when you get there. Don’t offer too much help. You don’t want to kiss ass but offer enough. Show them you have some damn manners. #2 – Don’t make faces if you don’t like the food. Let’s be real here. Some people can’t cook and we all know your mama’s mac and cheese is like no other. You don’t want to be rude and not eat their food but if you taste the string beans and it tastes like rubber, don’t makes faces or comments like you just ate shit. Here’s what you do. Fill your plate with extra gravy or mash potatoes. Any of the food you don’t like, you can use either of those foods to cover that shit up. #3 – Know your title. The worse thing is you get to the person’s family house and get introduced as….”my friend” and the whole time you’ve been thinking that you are the “boyfriend or girlfriend”. You should know if you’re the jumpoff. If not, read here for some clues. But you don’t want to get caught off guard with some bogus ass introduction. Know your place. Smile and grin. And when the dinner is over, blast your mate.#4 – The interview. This isn’t just Thanksgiving. This is a damn interview. If this is the first time you’re meeting the fam, be prepared. YOU WILL BE GRILLED. You are going to get questions from everybody testing you, your morals and your credibility and they will judge you wwaaaaaaay before you even leave the place. As you as you turn your back, the whispers “I don’t like her” will start. The questions will be all over the place. “So Fresh, where you from?…Brooklyn, oh yeah, I know someone there…blah blah blah” “So what do you do?” “So do you think A.merica is ready for black president?” Be prepared. You just never know. And if they crack jokes on you because you have an accent or something, before you dish the jokes back, make sure they can take it. You don’t want to say a “yo, mama so big joke” if their mama is big.#5 – Leave the trash at home. I’m referring to your clothes. Be presentable. You want to limit how much they talk about you and what they talk about. “Look at her, she think she cute”……So if your ass crack shows when you put on your jeans, then you need to put on another pair. If you pants hang below your ass then you need to buy a better belt. Do you but with caution. My cousin brought this jumpoff over one year and she looked a hot mess. Well when she entered she was his girlfriend but when she left, we reduced her to a jumpoff. BONUS(ES)#6 – Talk to me. The worst thing is when you bring a date and they just sit there. Quiet. The whole damn time. Or they give these one word answers. You got a tough job. You gotta play the fam but you also gotta entertain your guest. Just make sure they can handle a conversation on their own. You don’t want to spend your WHOLE time talking to your date.#7 – No sex in the champagne room. I don’t care how good your man/woman looks. Do not sneak off the bathroom while the fam is in the house for a quickie. You will get busted by that nosy little cousin of yours and that lil’ fugga will run out the bathroom screaming….”ooooooooh mooommy, cousin Fresh in the bathroom doin’ the supaman on the hooooooooooooooe” Have a good holiday.