Fresh Five: The Jumpoffs

During my *ahem* 2+ hour commute to work this morning (you fuggas gotta learn how to drive. It’s just rain damnit!!!), I had plenty of time to think of a post but I had a serious mental block until I got a phone call from my home slice asking me for some man-advice. She’s an attractive one if I may say so myself, got it going on, just seems to fall for the idiots. As she’s describing her situation, I stopped her half way through and had to break the news to her. Sorry homie but you are The Jumpoff. (for those unfamiliar with the term, please refer to urban dictionary for more info http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jumpoff

So I’d like to dedicate this post to….The Jumpoffs.

Fresh Five Ways to know that you are The Jumpoff….(i’m sure there are many more than 5).

1 – IDK MY BFF. The only way the person communicates with you is via text messages. He/She (lets be fair here…some women play the game too) never or shall I say rarely call you. It’s always “hey sexy or hey [insert term of endearment]” and then “cw2cu” and that’s it and when you tell them to call you because your fingers are tired of typing, here comes the excuse. What’s happening behind the scenes? He/She really with his #1 and can’t break away so when they do, like to go take a shit or something, they bring their phone and type you some quick message from the toilet and then disappear for hours. “Oh you sent me a message? I didn’t get it?!?!?…..Damn cell phone be fuggin’ up..”

2 – THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT and so do your jumpoffs. Have you ever seen said “friend” of yours in the daylight? Maybe once? Ok, ok, twice. But usually as soon as the sun goes down, what happens? You get a call. No….you get a text. “Missing you. Thinking about you. Can I come see you?” So you give in, say yes, they come over AND…you bump skins for a few hours. Oooooh baby…oooooh like that…..As soon as the deed is done, your “friend” takes a shower and rolls out. Skidaddles. Vamoose. Next day – you get another text.

3 – THEY CALL ME SUNSHINE. Your jumpoff doesn’t really have time to remember your name, after all, you could very well be one of many. So instead of having to remember names, you get a nickname. Sunshine. Juicy. Bubblebutt. KillaDick. Caramel. Some shit. You get the point. They never ever call you by your government name. When your jumpoff talks about you to other people, it’s by nickname. “Yo, you still fuggin’ with Bubblebutt?!?!”

4 –LET ME INTRODUCE YOU to NOBODY. It’s been a year, 365 days (you better hope it’s not a leap year) and you know nothing about your jumpoff other than their first name. Have you ever met their family? Umm….probably not. Have you met any of their friends? Usually the time you meet their friends is if you just happen to show up to the same place as them because you damn sure weren’t invited. Jumpoffs don’t get invites. That’s against the rules of jumpoffology. Jumpoffs don’t get introduced either because once that happens, that could be perceived as an act of caring or interest.

5 – DISAPPEARING ACTS. Let’s say #2 happens, your jumpoff comes over for some grown up action, everything is all good and then you don’t hear from them for like days. You get a text message days later talking about “Where you been?” You talk to your “friend” in damn increments. 2 days in a row then nothing for like 3 weeks. Then mysteriously they re-appear asking if they can come over. Poof. Now you see me. Poof. Now you don’t.

BONUS:

6 – PARANOIAFIDGETITUS. What the hell is that Fresh? Paranoiafidgetitus? I just made the shit up 🙂  It’s a condition that combines paranoia and being fidgety. After nagging the shit out of your “friend”, they finally succumb to the pressure and decide that you guys can go out somewhere…..restaurant let’s say. (they’re only doing this to give you the impression that it’s more than sex but really its just to keep you around). Anyway, you get to the restaurant and said “friend” just keeps looking around, over the shoulder, not looking at you but eyeing every damn person that walks in making sure that they don’t know anybody. They are paranoid and they won’t fuggin’ keep still. They have paranoiafidgetitus.

This has been public service announcement from Always Funky Fresh.

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on October 26, 2007.

27 Responses to “Fresh Five: The Jumpoffs”

  1. “Jumpoffs don’t get invites. That’s against the rules of jumpoffology.”

    This is why I am here. Excellent post. I hope you enlightened some “BubbleButts” today cause if 99% of your “dates” end in secks….you know what your role is.

  2. Don’t tell nobody…(but I had to look up the definition). Hey…I’M OLD!

  3. The thing about not meeting folks, man I been telling people that forevuh. If the entire holidat season comes and goes and you’ve met nobody, please don’t come telling me YOU aren’t ready to meet his family and friends. The truth is, he isn’t interested in YOU meeting anything but his penis.

  4. Me personally, when you have to start asking advice on the status of the relationship…that’s how you know.

  5. I love this post, brutally honest and funny at the same time.
    Keep up the good work Fresh

  6. Did you say “Killadick” – Time of death 11:50 a.m.

  7. You need to put this on posters on Metro or something. Make it into a brochure and pass it out on the streets. Hillarious, and so so honest.

  8. @Sixty – Jumpoffology is it’s own science like Scientology…Maybe I’ll break down the rules in other post.

    @Creole – Good lookin’ out on the linkage homie….You can keep giving them the value yourself speech. I’ll give them the straight up no chaser talk!!!

    @Hostess – You know what’s crazy? It’s not just meeting the fam. Most don’t even know about the famm.

    @Melanie – Good point. Real good point.

    @Shanti – Thank you. Come back ’round ‘these parts yuh hear?

    @Mags – LMAOOO….

    @Tasha – Maybe I can put it on a sticker and when I see them, just run up to them and plaster it on their body like we used to do back in the day with “KICK ME” signs!!! HA!!!!!!

  9. lovely blog….first time over!!

    http://www.yazmar.com

  10. ROTFLMAO hahahaaaaaa see I knew I was a dude in my former life!!!

  11. hilarious. and sadly I was a jumpoff in a former life. I need to send this to all my girls.

  12. Please! submit this word and definition to the urban dictionary! I’m serious 🙂

    >>>>>PARANOIAFIDGETITUS<<< 🙂

    Great post. I am dying laughing over here!

  13. #3 – or they’re called based on the city they live in. I.E. “How’s New York doin?” “I don’t man, I’ve been spending a lot time with Atlanta lately. I should make a trip up to the big apple soon, namsayin?”

    HF

  14. I have had plenty of jumpoffs. Dude can be jumpoffs too….Let me name them….nevermind. I am glad I met the Mista’s daughter last weekend.

    Jumpoffs have their place and purpose.

    Funny.

  15. but you know the people who needed to read this likely didn’t, right? know what i loved? “You get a call. No….you get a text.” hahahahahahaha. dudes and their texts!!! DON’T TEXT ME!! if you don’t know how to use the phone to dial, i don’t know how to respond. HOLLA!

  16. okay. i am seriously cracking up. when i read IDK…MY BFF? i almost died. lol. this has too many funny quotables. i need to send this to my little sis in college. and she needs to give it to all her friends. just to drop some knowledge on them. you are hilarious! and sadly this is soooo true. i remember a dude tried to make me his ‘jumpoff’ once, negro please. lol.

  17. Love the site! This was my first visit and I shall return. Your Fresh Five were on point.

    http://5andapossible.blogspot.com/

  18. *CRYYYYYYYYYYYING* Not the jumpoff schooling LMAO!!! And I am telling you right now, I’d be pissed if one of my girls referred to their jumpoff as “Killadick” WTF????

    This was both funny and tragic at the same time cause you know a lot of people reading this and ummmmmmmm thinking…Them: “dayum yo, could it be me?” Roycee: “Uh yes it could be and HOMIE…IT PROBABLY IS!!!” LMAO!!

  19. Ha! Another PSA. LOL. Quit ur day job!

  20. I’m very sad right now. My “man” calls me sunshine and I have yet to meet his parents even tho he has been saying that he wants me to meet her for the longest. Today I faced the fact that I am a jumpoff and all though I have never been before, sometimes everyone gets burned

  21. Let Me Introduce You To NOBODY!

    ROFLMFAO!!!!!!

    OMG this shit is so fucking true! Hahaha…HEE-LARIOUS.

    Thank you for doing a post on this because I’m sure some of your readers are in total “jumpoff” status and don’t even know it.

    You are bringing mad awareness playa! 😉

  22. LOL!!! Hilarious!! but so true…thanks for the PSA!!

  23. […] “boyfriend or girlfriend”. You should know if you’re the jumpoff. If not, read here for some clues. But you don’t want to get caught off guard with some bogus ass introduction. […]

  24. I’m sitting here with a frown right now. I mean, I’ve been a jumpoff in the past and I knew it but dammit if your list didn’t reaffirm it!

  25. […] wrote a whole post on this a while ago. Read it HERE. I hate to break the news to you but uhhh, there are signs for this and it’s a damn good […]

  26. […] under Dating   First things first, if you don’t know what a jumpoff is pop on over the Fresh’s spot and get […]

  27. FRESH!!—I love it and I totally agree with Mistress on this one 😉

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