Who’s Fake?

So I’m in the bathroom this weekend taking a dump and it feels like I’m going to be in there for a while so I reach for one of wifey’s magazines to pass time.

Well this one particular magazine isn’t specific for women of color but you know, there’s no law saying that each race has to only read their own magazine right. Hell, I read GQ and Details occasionally myself.

Anyway, as I’m flipping through the pages I’m pretty bored. They have typical articles like “shed 20 pounds in 4 weeks” (blah), “how to get the man of your dreams “(yeah right he doesn’t exist), “shopping on a budget” (never seen those two words in a sentence before)…….and then I stumble upon something that catches my eye. Nope it wasn’t Mel B’s abs or that Nicole girl from the Pussycat Dolls (cause if it was that page would get ripped out!)….it was an ad.

What was the ad for Fresh?

Glad you asked.

The ad was for panties that are made to “enhance” (read: appear bigger) your booty. I won’t say the name of the panty brand here because since I’m not being paid by them I refuse to provide free advertising but (no pun intended) as I saw it my mouth dropped.  Are you serious? At that point, I realized I am not alone…..

See just like me,  mainstream America is obsessed with…..ass……(to be blunt). And I thought I had issues.

There were testimonials and everything. “I loved the way these panties made me fill out my jeans”.

Long gone are the days when you could just give your woman x amount of backshots to fill the jeans. Nope, they don’t need that no more. Just go to the store and get some extra booty.

Can you imagine……I’m out at a bar with my boys. I meet a young lady. She’s filling out her Seven’s real nice. I step to her. Exchange numbers. We go out a few times. Finally get her back to the crib. Things get hot and heavy. I’m grabbing on her boo-whooo-teee. Squeezing it like charmin. We take our clothes off. I go for the booty again but this time, it’s not there. Huh?

The booty disappeared?  Impossible.

So I keep grabbing and it’s really not there. I go forward anyway, thinking maybe I had one too many and when it’s time to “change positions”, it’s still nothing there. Just bone to bone and instead of feeling good, it’s hurts like hell. Where’d the booty go?

That ain’t right ladies. If you’re going to deceive the man, there needs to be some upfront disclaimer. Like the stuff written on your mirrors on your car.


To top it off, last night, after the game, I’m flipping the channels and see a doctor discussing how some of his patients come in for plastic surgery to make the *ahem* punani tighter (you know,  starts with a “v” and ends in “agina”). So women actually do this? Can’t y’all do some Kegel exercises or something?!?!?!?

Maybe it’s best I just leave that one alone…………


~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on June 15, 2009.

8 Responses to “Who’s Fake?”

  1. I saw a show about a lady who had that special “surgery” after having two 10 + pound babies naturally. Needless to say her stuff was all sorts of messed up after that. She says that she did it so that she could please her husband sexually. I guess in her case, Kegels weren’t helping to close that open window if you catch my drift.

    In regards to the booty panties… they have something for everyting nowadays, don’t they? Want some clevage? Here’s a wonderbra for ya! Have little to no rump? Here’s some padded panties for ya! And it isn’t just the ladies either. Have a small wee wee? Here’s some extendz for ya! We women get the short end of the stick too (no pun intended)!

  2. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL only you Fresh..only you!

  3. lolol…i had a friend wear one of those bootie enhancers waaaay back in the day. the panties had holes in the back and you had to put your butt cheeks in each hole to make it swell and appear bigger, but her butt was so flat the hole swallowed one of her cheeks – she walked around for a good while with a lobpsided looking booty before someone told her LOL

  4. Mr. 1969 and I were talking about this last weekend. He said he was at a work function and one of the women was almost about 175 pounds but stacked. He said she had a little waist and curves everywhere else. He thought she looked like a brick house. When he went to say hello and he hugged her….he said it felt like she had on ARMOR under her clothes. He came home and asked me “What do you women wear under there?”

    I said…maybe she had Spanx on? He said “No…that was some industrial duct tape, caged beast type of shyt.”


  5. LMAO @ Mr. 1969!!!!

    and Fresh.. SMH.. that is all.. I’m glad I don’t have those issues.. LOL but its HILARIOUS

  6. So in addition to “fake ass people” you gotta worry about fake “ass” people? That’s why I got blinders on. I don’t even register ish anymore. I just keep it moving yo.

  7. You’ve done it again! Hilarious!

  8. preach.

    You know i have a question for you: Do you you think this type of deception leads to other things? I mean do you think guys/girls that start of deceiving with their physical appearance are more comfortable deceiving others elsewhere?

    that joint is funny though. But for real, in a day where you can be born a man, and after hundreds of dollars and lots of plastic you look like a woman, there’s nothing that surprises me. Soon, stalkings will be padded to have that thick look (you read it here first, on this Fresh blog — pun intended.).

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