Yo Santa

Dear Santa,

Don’t give me no bullshit about the recession. I’m not trying to hear that at all. You’re Santa. You climb through people’s windows and down chimneys and you’re trying to tell me you can’t find a gift?!?!? C’mon son. Be creative.

Now that I got your attention, let me drop a few gems on you. Everybody else made a list, so I’m doing one too. Don’t even waste your time checking it twice and trying to figure out if I’m naughty or not. We all know…………..I’m nice son! Then naughty when I need to be.  Feel me?  Like when you and Mrs. Claus be swings eps in the back of the…..sled…..A’ight check it. Here’s my list.

#1 – Autotune/Vocoder – You know that Rog.er Trout.man shit. Notice I didn’t say T-Plain. No biting allowed. But I’m convinced if everybody and their mama can use it to make music, why can’t I? No talent having muh-fluckas. I just want it so I can prank call people and leave messages on their voice mail “oooh ooh you can’t bee-weave it,
you took it from a pony a pony,
na-now the pony baldy baldy,
and people know it’s phony……giirrrrrrlllllll….
when the people ask if it’s a weave, you should say yeeeeesssss—-yeeeeessssss—-yeeeeeeesssss”

#2 -Removal of the word ” swag” from the dictionary, people’s mouths, thoughts, songs, etc. Matter of fact from here on out, if anyone says it, they should go on your naughty list. Me no wanna hear it no’ mo’….and they should not receive gifts.

#3 –  N.ia Long? Noooooo. What you mean no? Ok, ok, Malin.da W.illi.ams?! No again. Why not? She’s married. So what? I gotta what? Respect the institution? C’mon son, ya killin’ me……Who’s left? Vi.vi.ca Fox. C’mon Santa. You tryin’ to play me? What’s wrong with her? Da silicon son.  Lil Wayne got a milli…a milli…She got…some silli…some silli…. Ok fine. I’ll take her but don’t blame me when her breasts start getting dents in them and caving in cause Dope Boy Fresh warming it up. You know silicone can melt. Yeah yeah I know it has to be extreme temperatures but never underestimate the power of Dope Boy……

#4 – You gotta look out for a brother on this one S Dot. Check it. There’s this guy at my job right – every time this dude comes into the vicinity of where I sit right, my left eye starts tearing. I’m not talking just water on the eyelid. Nah nah. I’m talking straight up tears son. Rolling down my face and I can’t stop it. Profusely. Streaming. I mean he doesn’t even have to be right next to me. He could be outside in the doorway of the next office and here it comes.  I think I’m allergic to dude. He smells like hot onions and dog shit. I can’t call it…….wait wait…..here he comes……shit………*whispering* so yo, make sure you don’t forget to stop by his house and just give him a bath. That’s his present..A bath….Splish splash…..

#5 – Eh. I think that’s good for now. You already gave me #5. B.arack !!!!!!  I have yet to say this statement so now it’s time. My President is Black.  HA!!!!!

Wishing you all a Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year (yeah I know that’s backwards. I don’t feel like conforming today). No it doesn’t mean I’m not blogging till the New Year, although it does give me a scape goat, but tomorrow, on the eve, I’ma be busy…..Christmas shopping. Yup, your boy Fresh has redefined procrastination. I haven’t started shopping yet. Say it with me. Dra-muh.  Then I gotta pick up fam cause somehow “magically” dinner is at my crib. Not quite sure how that happened. Tomorrow night. A Christmas Story. The marathon boys and girls. Gotta love it……

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on December 23, 2008.

7 Responses to “Yo Santa”

  1. Happy holidays despite my hatred of the T.Pain remix! Good luck gift shopping through the leftover merchandise! LOL

  2. I’m guilty as charged of #2. *Hanging head in shame* I try not to use it too too much, but well sometimes I do! LOL.

    I have to admit, I’ve been wanting to say ‘My President is black and my …..'(nah I ain’t goin to say my Lambo is blue, I don’t have no dam Lambo..lmao)

    I’m w/ you..I haven’t done a lick of Xmas shopping yet. I’ll reserve that for tonight and tomorrow.

  3. You are so funny. I needed a laugh today.

  4. I was sittin’ here at the puter thinkin..I need to laugh, I just read a depressing story so I said lemme swing by Fresh, and you did NOT disappoint! ROFL!!!

  5. Merry Christmas Fresh!!!!! enjoy and you and all the other men in the mall today LOL

  6. Happy Christmas, Fresh!

  7. Merry Christmas Homie.

    Coal in your stocking for the remix. lol

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