President Fresh

I know parents say you can do anything you want when you grow up, but I just came to the conclusion that I could not be president. Yes you heard it. Fresh will not be running for Prez, although I’m sure I would get some votes. 

Here’s why:

Reason # 1 -I’m quick witted so my mouth would surely get in trouble during a debate.  I grew up in BK and I had to be quick on my feet with a joke or a “ya mutha” comment. So during a debate, you might frequently hear phrases like

“Yo Jon, stop playing” or “Muddafugga, why you lyin'”.
“I said that Jon. Jon. Jon. C’mon bruh, are you even listening?!?!? I said I’d raise taxes?!?! Son, why you lyin’….You lyin’ son….”

I mean I’m cool, calm and collective but I swear I think I’d be quick to reach across the table and smack that dude and if you give any grown ass man a five finger open slap, that crap is embarrassing. I rather get punched that smacked.  I mean what can he do to me? Smack me back? He can’t even lift his arms…..

Reason #2 – Then, they’d be all up in your business, talking about shit that happened when you were still sucking your mama’s left breastessss.

So  Senator Fresh, tell America about your association with Hector.  
Me: Hector? Hector Alvarez? That dude that lived in the building on the corner of Ocean and Caton. Man I ain’t see that dude in ages. What about him?

It says here he gave you Bazookas for free to take his sister out on a date.
Me: Whooooa son. You crossin’ the line. Yvonne had some tig ol bitties but I have values mang. Val-yous.  All we did was go to Parade Grounds and….wait a minute….this is none of your business!!! And so effin what I took Bazookas?!?!?. It’s fuggin’ chewin’ gum. What you think those 5 cents are gonna hurt the economy?! C’mon son. They wrapped the gum in a comic strip  with messages on the bottom. That shit is ingenious. Get kids to read and distract them while they try and chew this hard ass gum.

I don’t know about you folks but I like my skeletons nice and tight in my closet. Stank you very much. There’s no need for anyone to go diggin’ up the past.

Yes, Senator Fresh, can you tell us about Shaniqua…..
Me: Let’s talk about energy. Did you know I can see Alaska from Brooklyn???. HOLLLLAAAA!!!!

Reason #3 – Da Se.cret S.ervice – You mean these dudes are going to follow me around EVERYWHERE I go? I mean, what if I want to rub one off in the back of the campaign bus?  This election crap is stressful. Sometimes you gotta relax, relate and re-fuggin-lease. Are they going to stand there and be like “Sir, did you bust yet?”  You can’t have no privacy although I’m sure wifey would love it because she’d always have someone watching my ass AND she would have extra hands to carry her bags when she hit the mall…..

Reason #4 – Someone I know is bound to say some shit to f*ck up my whole campaign. It’s inevitable. I have friends with loose lips and the minute somebody comes around and asked them about me, they’re going to get some juice because they’ll catch the wrong person at the right time. Like, they’ll catch my boy after he’s had a few Jack and Cokes. This dude just starts saying shit when no one asks him. True story. One time, me, my boys, and our lady friends (at the time) were all sitting around at dinner and this dude, after his drinks, turns to one of my boys. “Yo, whatever happened to that thick ass chick you were fuckin’ at your job last year” Mind you the guy he was talking to was there with his lady friend and they both just HAPPENED to work at the same job for the past 3-4 years. Dra-muh.

Reason #5 – Who the hell would I pick for my running mates? My cabinet positions? My dress wearing o.val o.ffice b.rain storming session interns?!? I might have to create positions like this is my Secretary of Fashion cause I gots to be fly-y-y-y, I need a graphic designer cause the logo is boooo-ring. Sixty, do you want to be the VP, Secretary of State or House Speaker? I need you to regulate homie. I need a hip hop liasion to enforce that no wackness gets put out. I’ll save some of policies for later…

FRESH FOR ’08…..YOU SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!!

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on October 16, 2008.

14 Responses to “President Fresh”

  1. DONE.. ya boy he gets his mouth sewn up LOL

  2. Most definitely institute the Secretary of Hip Hop. If there is one thing your presidency can do for us all it’s save the nation from wack azz hip hop.

  3. LOL @ this whole damn post. You got my vote lol

  4. BWAHHHHHH

    This is too hilarious…I can just hear the commentary

  5. I will take the VP slot and be your Cheney. You think those fools are scared of the words “the Vice President is on the phone” now? LOL

    Besides, you will no doubt be taken out of office eventually for inappropriate behavior and then?

    Cue the music….”If I ruled the world….”

  6. These are the same reasons why I couldn’t run. #1: I would slap the shit out of McCain for one of those smirks while I’m talking during the debate. Like, “Yo! You got something to say? Shit on your mind, bruh?”

  7. I heart this blog. LOL.

  8. @BK – That’s why I don’t tell him NUFFIN. Everyone knows once he gets the Jack and Coke goin’, it’s a wrap.

    @BBE – These wack ass hip hop artists don’t stand a chance with me!! Sou.lja boy – watch yo’ ass.

    @Tasha – Thank you. Make sure they don’t cheat you at the polls like spell my name wrong on the ballot.

    @Honey-Libra- The commentary would be hilarious. Talkin’ about my ass. They ain’t ready!!!

    @Sixty – You think I’m that careless?!?!? But you right though, I’ll be out of office in the first year. Too many interns….

    @Krush – LMAOOOO….Shit on your mind bruh?!?!? LMAOOOOOOOOO

    @Kayelle – LOL. Hook me up with the new presidential logo homie….

  9. ” I mean what can he do to me? Smack me back? He can’t even lift his arms…..” YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!!! Prepare yourself man cause I hear it’s hot down there LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

  10. Yo I’d vote for you yo, at leat I know the cookouts would be BANGIN…

  11. OH SNAP…It’s Royceeeeeeee…..you know the cookouts would be off the chain….Funkmaster Flex on the 1’s and 2’s….nuff eats….liquor…negroes passed out on the W.hite H.ouse lawn the next morning….

  12. You need a BK biographer, with hiphop knowledge in the cabinet… Lemme know! LOL.

    Vote Fresh – Nineteen ’08!

  13. PS. Yeah, you’re wrong for the McCain arm thing. But you already knew that when you wrote it…

  14. lmao.. sixty cued up “If I ruled the world”.. HAHAHAAAAA

    Just make me the cook.. everyday is jerk, curry, cookup rice, beef patty & cocoa bread.. with a lil sorrel, ginger beer, mauby, etc.. holidays nuff pastries and black cake with ponche cream.. no watered down egg nog LOL

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