Don’t be scurred – three, trois, tres, men.age……

If you missed the other two parts, go back and read. I’m not repeating Fears #1-4.

FEAR #5 – THAT DREADED PHONE CALL OR ENCOUNTER

 Remember that dude or girl you f*cked like two weeks ago and you never called back because you realized that there was no damn attraction between y’all but you needed to get your rocks off and they were the only ones available?!? Remember them?  I know you do. Some of you are laughing right now cause we all did that.  We all had the “questionable” rumbles in the jungle. Me included. The ones you wouldn’t dare tell your friends about. There are some things you just have to take the L on and take to your grave.  As soon as you got yours, you just looked at that person like “what the fuck did I just do” because you know damn well, it was nothing to you but it meant everything to them. Anyway, you finally decide to answer the phone because they’ve been ringing your shit off the hook like the creditors and texting you like they got 8 sets of fingers, then they hit you with the “we gotta talk”.  Then there’s silence. Dead silence and all you can think about is that night. You go through the steps and start talking to yourself….”Was she really 25? I should’ve asked to see her driver’s license!!!!!!” “Maybe that smell down there was a sign”. “I did flush the condom down the toilet right” “”Fugg I gotta stop letting this horny feeling control me” You start praying to God making false promises “Oh god please no…please….I’ll be celibate for the rest of the year……knowing it’s Dec 1st.”

Yup Fresh did it- twice. I’ll only tell one though. The other stays with me.  I got down once with a straight grungy-hard-knock-life-lived-on-the-12th-floor-in-the-projects-will-fuck-a-dude-up-for-no-reason-just-cause hoodrat. Her first name ended in “qua” type chick. I’m talking no slow jams, no “draws droppa” playlist, we-fuckin-to-On.yx-and-N.W.A-type chick. I’m talking dooky-earrings-baby-hair-still-showing-at-age-twentysomething-type-chick. I’m talking busted-grill-but-bad-ass-body type…you get the picture.

Anyway,  you managed to avoid their calls and messages but then it happens. One night you’re out with your girls/boys and you see them. Dammmmnnnnnn.  So now you’re telling your girls you don’t want to stay at this spot. All of a sudden you make up some damn excuse like “the drinks are too watered down” or some shit. But they don’t want to leave so you stay and then you give in and be like “hide me. Hide me” And your girl finally catches on like who the hell are you hiding from?!?! And you point. “that dude over there” and then they go ” that big lip gold teeth having sasquatch looking dude. Why you hiding from him?!?!?!?!” FUUUGGGGGGGG. Now you’re in that dilemma. Do you play it off to your girls or do you ‘fess up? So you finally give in and be like “I gave him some but then you make up something to save your embarassment like but “his lips did work” knowing damn well that doesn’t grant you a “oh ok pass”. And as soon as you confess, “big lip sasquatch” is standing behind you with his tight ass searsucker suit on in the winter like, “hey [insert your name here], why you ain’t call me back” “When you gonna give me the chance to make you scream again”…..

*side note- Ladies, if I’m ever out in the same club, lounge, spot with you and this happens, this is when you can use that “fake” boyfriend shiggedy. You know when you pull me to the side and be like “I got a man now”. Fresh plays that game well*

FEAR #6 – THE INTERNET

The title is vague but I’ll break it down. Let’s say me and the wifester are out and some dude is being disrespectful to her, so I gotta do what I gotta do. Start talking shit. “Back off homie” “She’s not interested” “You’re being disrespectful” Civilized shit then BLLLLAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW. This dude clocks me straight in the dome and I drop.

Here’s where the interent fucks it up. Mostly everybody has some type of recording device..The cell phone (not mine, damn Crack.berry Curve), girls got digital cams in their big ass purses. Guaranteed someone caught that shit on video and has that crap posted on the internet before your ass wakes up from the punch. And you know what happens? It circles the web. Quick. Everyone’s talking about the you.tube clip where the dude got knocked out. You get the email and the subject looks like this:

Subject: Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw: Dude gets knocked the f*ck out

Then everybody adds their comments:

Watch this shit. This shit is hilarious.

Then sends it to their whole damn address book.

Nah son.  It’s one thing if it’s a picture. You can blame that shit on the default. Photoshop. Nah, that wasn’t me. Someone photoshopped that. That’s a viable excuse. But video. Dawg, only Kells got out the video and I don’t know HOW that shit happened.

There’s no privacy. None. The game is fugged up. Ladies can’t even give a dude head in peace in the car no more without this dude pulling out his camera talking about “I’ma keep this one” and as soon as his kids splatter (if you’re that good), it’s on one of those freaky you.tube.like sites (yes they exist and yes, you should worry). Next thing you know, you’re coming into to work and people are calling you “Bobbi” and your name is Sheryl.

FUGG OUTTA HERE.

Me Done.

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on October 10, 2008.

7 Responses to “Don’t be scurred – three, trois, tres, men.age……”

  1. As funny as #5 is, that’s some real talk right there. I definitely got a few that will follow me to the grave and into the next life.

  2. Coming out of lurkville after reading the last 3 posts. These joints are classic! I’m stifling my laughter so our nosey admin doesn’t stick her head in here asking what’s so funny. Instead she thinks I have emphysema,LOL. Thanks for kicking my weekend off on a high note.

  3. I go away forone day and your azz is over here wilding out?
    This enire post has been pure comedy.Let me find out you’re on a blog roll.

    Name ends in Qua, huh?

  4. I love all of them. I’ve definitely had my share of encounters with girls that I’m ashamed of having sleep with. I wouldn’t want any of my buddies to know about them. I wanted to get my rocks off and they were available and willing. After it was all over and I had gotten mine, I was embarrassed to think I had sleep with some of them. Definitely not something I would be bragging about.

  5. These posts had me cracking up.

  6. DEAD.. I’m so done.. 12th floor of da projects??? LOL in the stairwell LMAO

  7. Bobbi…lol. It’s a whole new ballgame now! Great post!

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