Don’t be scurred…

I just read an article on line that talked about the 6 things that men fear. It mentioned things like being broke and stuff like that.  So I asked myself…Fresh….what you scurred of?!?!?!?!?!

We’ll break it up in parts. I get the feeling this may get long…

FEAR #1 NOT “RISING” TO THE OCCASION 

I’d say this is one of, if not the, worse fear a man could have other than a woman going Bobbitt on him but you really gotta do something f*cked up (or she gotta be f*cked up in the head) to do that. Imagine – here I go spitting my game at you, it’s working, I get you back to the crib, pour us some wine I go put the iPod on the “Draws Droppa” playlist (cause I really do have one of those. Stop frontin’ like you don’t ) we start the touching, kissing, licking. It’s ready to be on and then bam..dope boy fresh get all shy and shit and don’t want to come out and play. Then you sitting there looking at me like “ain’t this a bitch..this nigga here…and I got on matching Vickie secrets” and you go text your girl putting me on blast while I’m sitting there talking to dope boy trying to get him motivated.  C’mon son. C’mon.

Man, one time at band camp, (lol) I was ready to tear this chocolate slimmy up but dope boy had other plans. Maybe it was the fact that she was like a homie for so long. We were friends before lovers.  Or maybe it was that I knew her boyfriend wouldn’t approve cause I knew dude, like same class, same project team knew dude but he was wack  and I thought she deserved better 🙂 or maybe it had something to do with the fact that the boyfriend was coming to pick her up from her best friends apt (her best friend lived 2 apartments down from me) in less than an hour with his frat brothers and I just knew we’d be rumbling. Who knows?!?!?! It could have been anything. All I know is that shit sent me into a DEEP momentary depression. I started thinking about E.D and medication and  having to hit up the local gas stations, bodegas, 7.elevens, for horny goat weed and all this shit I would now have to supplement before I engage. WTF?!? I was supposed to be a young buck. How could this be happening to me?!?!?! Luckily she applied a cure and we got the party started. Nothing like a good mic check. 1,2, 1, 2……and thankfully it’s never been an issue…Okay TMI…….

Moving on….

FEAR #2 – AN ANGRY BLACK WOMAN

 Not the “nigga you ain’t shit” temporary anger. I’m talking A.ngela B.assett Wai.ting to Exha.le burn your gear on the front porch type shit. I’m talking about that uncontrollable BLACK THE F*CK out on you type of anger where you just stand there looking but thinking “this b—-  done lost her damn mind”

I remember Mama Fresh blacking out on a dude like that once. She tossed dinner straight out the window from the 3rd floor apartment. I’m talking spaghetti sauce that was warming up, boiling hot water with the noodles. Everything. Tried to scorch the black off that dude.  And his dumb ass standing there like “I’m sorry” Then she gonna turn around to me and act like that shit never happened as I witnessed it with my own two eyes. “Sweetie, I’m gonna treat you to McDonalds tonight cause you’ve been good” (No, you’re treating me to McDonalds cause you just tossed dinner out the window!)  She could flip her switch instantly like she had the clapper. Clap twice for crazy. Clap twice more to turn crazy off. 

Then I remember my neighbor blacking out on this dude around the way. Now she was Jamaican and we used to call her Shelly Tunder (I know it’s Thunder but we had to give it the full Jamaican effect and NOT pronounce the “h”).  Anyway, her dude was trife. He came around the way to see Shelly but got a ride from his side dish. Somehow this dude thought if he got dropped off down the block, he could walk to see Shelly and “tings would be irie “. Nope. Nada. The minute he put his lips on shorty in the car, word got to Shelly and she ran to that car like she was “Lightning Bolt”. Somehow as she was running, she grabbed the bat we had near us since we just came from playing stickball in the schoolyard and proceed to jump on shorty’s car and smash the windows with them still in it, yelling some native shit that to this day I can’t decipher. All I heard was everything end in “clot”…..

 TO BE CONTINUED…………….

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on October 9, 2008.

13 Responses to “Don’t be scurred…”

  1. LOL you have me ROFL wid the j’can piece! i cant wait for part 2!!

  2. BAWAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA @ C’mon son. C’mon, Clap twice for crazy. Clap twice more to turn crazy off, and Somehow this dude thought if he got dropped off down the block, he could walk to see Shelly and “tings would be irie “. Nope. Nada

    This is hysterical!

  3. oh my gosh!!! co-workers looking at me all sideways like they know i’m doing wrong! i am rolling! so funny always. “Draws Droppa” playlist, lol, my dude can play his itunes from anyroom.

    much luv.

  4. Cmon son!!!!!

    ROTFLMAO

  5. LMAO @ this ENTIRE post! Lookin’ forward to the continuation!

  6. ROTFL @ “All I heard was everything end in “clot”…..”

  7. LMAO @ this whole damn post. Can’t wait for part 2

  8. OMG! LOL! Man, you write some awesome posts.

  9. I am SOOOOOOOOO done!!!!! not the mic check.. hahahaaaaaa

  10. I am in tears!!!!

  11. yo fresh..i’m in tears because i had a black out moment and my neighbors will not let me forget 10years later…lol…

  12. One time at band camp…shelly tunder…and lightning bolt. LMAO! Ur an ass! (in a good way! lol)

  13. OMG this was hilarious! I had a blackout moment too, but it was nowhere near as funny as this mess.

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