Oly.mp.ics

I’ve been watching it. Can’t lie. All of sudden my ass is patriotic and shit.

But what the fcuk is up with these so called sports??!?!

Synchronized diving? Uhh sorry. Flip the channel.

So I’m sitting there this weekend watching the games and I see women running up and down a field or court with a ball trying to throw it in the net. That’s the best I could describe it. It was like water polo without the water. And I have no idea what the hell I’m watching. So being the curious person I am, I call my “worldly” neighbor.

Me: What’s this shit I’m watching on tv?

Thy Neighbor: Oh, that’s handball.

Me: No, this shit that’s on tv. What is that?

Thy Neighbor: Fresh, they call it handball.

Me: No.

Obviously I had a hard time accepting that they completely JACKED the name of sport and it has nothing to do with the original.

Running around with a ball trying to throw it in the net is not handball. It’s netball. Not handball.

Handball…real handball involves a wall like this…..

A ball like this….

Watching through a fence like this….

Hitting the ball like this….

this dude is rocking gloves though. kinda wack. you gotta hit the ball with your bare hand and let the mofo sting. go home with your shit all red and soak it in some epson salt…..wha?

Then you need one of these…..

Let me paint the picture for those of you who don’t get it.

This is how it would go down. Carlos, this Puerto Rican dude from around the way, would start talking shit about how he’s nice in handball and could whoop up on any of us. Those are fighting words. So we would go to the bodega, cop some quarter waters, bon ton chips, now and laters and bazooka gums AND the blue ball like the one in the picture above.

While we’re doing that, someone in the crew would go to their apartment and get their boom box with the fresh DJ Red Alert or Marley Marl or Awesome Two tape they recorded off the radio the night before.

We’d stroll to the local playground, P.S. XXX, go straight to the handball court and setup shop. The handball court serves as a canvas for the graffiti artists. Everyone TAGGED OR BOMBED that joint. (Real people will understand TAGGED/BOMBED and if you look closely, beneath all the gibberish on the wall, you’ll see some revealing shit like “Tee loves Fresh” that someone wrote with that damn silver marker pen that rattles when you shake it. You know the joint that you would mark up your looseleaf book with). Anyway,  the boom box goes by the fence and you might turn on the radio to see who was rocking on 98.7 or 107.5 or 92KTU. Most Puerto ricans loved that station!!!!

Then you start figuring out who’s gonna play Carlos and everyone else…well they got next. So you sit on the side of the fence, drinking your quarter water and eventually, this happens…..

Shit talkin+music blasting+hot day = the potential to act the fool. Man, I can’t remember a handball game where there wasn’t an argument or someone getting in someone else’s face over something.

“That ball was out”

“That was not out. That shit hit the line”

“You’re fuckng blind. You ain’t hit shit”

“I hit your moms last night”

“Fuck you say about my moms?!?!?!” (notice how mom is plural)

That’s what it’s about. Handball. The Realness. Not this Olymp.ic bullshit. Maybe I need to come up with my own games……Hmmmmm…….

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on August 12, 2008.

17 Responses to “Oly.mp.ics”

  1. “I hit your moms last night.”

    LOL that sounds about right.

  2. ROTFLMAO Son!!!!!! you said it.. that is NOT handball and it ain’t netball either.. Hmph I played that back in st. kitts.. but errr yeah tell’em bout the real handball.. man wingate park.. lefferts park.. wow.. FRESH you took me back!

  3. Throwback Tuesday!

    Handball is not what they are showing on TV. Handball is exactly what you described. Including the quarter water, the Bon Ton Salt and Vinegar and the Vanilla Now and Laters.

    And around my way….it went more like….”Tell your moms she left her drawers at my house last night.”

  4. And Mr. 1969 made it through one round of synchrinized diving and he declared it “The dumbest shyt he’s ever seen” and promptly turned the channel.

  5. Mr. 1969 said the dumbest. I used another word which a bit more vulgar…

  6. Uh….so did he. But I am trying to be politically correct on your blog. His word rhymed with May, Hay and Say.

  7. LMAO @ hayest!!! What about speed walking? They still do that one? Hell anything that requires judges needs to be dumped! Less controversy that way. Yeah, I know, no boxing, diving, gymnastics. But wouldn’t we be better off not pissed about biased judging?

  8. You make handball sound fun as hayell!!!

  9. Great visuals. It takes me back to the days in NYC.

  10. Handball wow…. aint played that game in years. Hmm…..buts thats exactly how it goes! hehe!

  11. lmao
    ur a damn mess

  12. Thank you BK for clarifying the netball thing….cuz am sitting here like, fresh that ain’t no damn netball either. LOL

  13. Handball! That brings back memories of when my boy Kelvin got his clock cleaned when he accidentally hit a big mean girl with the handball during a game. Mind you, the amazon walked across the court but, Kelvin was wrong to serve the ball at what had to be 120 mph and still be standing there after she regained her bearings! LOL

  14. LMAO! This reads like an Ever.ybody Ha.tes Chr.is episode!

  15. Why was Olympic ping pong on yesterday… are you serious… if that’s the case why isn’t their olympic air hockey or foos ball…

  16. Brookville Park & Springfield Park by IS231, beautiful memories…

  17. MOMS!!!!

    That’s right. Your description of handball is what I fondly remember. I’ve never heard of using gloves EEVAH 😉

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