Not at my house

As I get older, I’ve come to recognize and learn more about myself.

There are things that I’m good at (hehehehe…I’m not going there) and things that I need to work on (consistency Fresh, consistency)

There are things that I like (a fine woman who can dress her ass off) and shit I can’t stand (pinky toes – everybody has ugly pinky toes).

Falling in line with the “things I don’t like” category is event planning.  It’s not my forte. Not my cup of tea. If it was up to me, I’d hire someone every single time but I don’t have it like that and it would make me extremely lazy.  Event planning includes the major things like weddings and sub-major things like cookouts. Which is why you should get a mate that compliments you. I hate it. Wifey gets off on that shit.

My job during these things are simple. I could outline it for you because I do it every single time.

First – stay the fuck out the kitchen.

Second – watch the children. This includes any one else’s kids whose parents come over early to help wifey out. All of a sudden I turn to the black Mr. Ro.gers and shit trying to keep these fuggas occupied.

Them: “Mr. Fresh, umm, can we go outside?”

Me: No, it rained so the ground is wet.

Them: But it’s not raining now

Me: Doesn’t matter, the ground is wet.

Them: But the playground looks dry.

Me: Leave it alone. Go watch D.i.sney Ch.anne.l

Third – I’m the last minute shopper. This might be the one that works the nerve the most. Actually I just thought of one more that does.  So minutes, seconds, before people come over, I always hear something similar to “Damnit” or “Ahhhh sh*t” or “Daggit” (if the kids are around)….That’s my cue. The shit is like P.avlov experiment. I hear that and immediately know my ass is headed to the store. Usually I have to get “something” and a bag of ice.

Why can’t you ask people to bring over the bag of ice? Why do people come over empty handed? How come they don’t call anymore before they come over and say “do you need anything?”

So this past weekend I truck my ass to the store to get a bag of ice and stare at the spices in the spice aisle looking for some off the wall spice called cumin. Cumin? You serious <—my words. Who wants cumin in they food? <–my words again….. Enter smart ass remark from wifey’s friend followed by my smart ass comment…”why don’t you just use the cumin that’s left in your throat from that dumb ass dude you messing with”…..Don’t test me in my own house people……..

Lastly – how come people don’t clean up after themselves anymore? Whatever happened to eating, picking up the plate, finding the trash?!?! Since I’m usually the one cleaning up afterwards (mainly because said “planner” of event is laying out on the couch with the “my feet hurt” excuse), I find shit everywhere. Soda cans behind the tv, chips in the couch – it makes you really not want to have anything at your house.

Damnit, I just thought of something else. Just because you come over my house, doesn’t mean you are relieved from watching yo’ damn kids. Don’t just sit around and let them go buckwild cause I will put them in their place…You takin that, it takes a village stuff to a whole different level……….

Damn one more, I sat down with my daughter that night and told her a very important and crucial lesson. I said Princess Fresh, don’t ever ever EVER let Daddy lose his style and roll to a cookout with shorts on and dress shoes with no socks! She looked at me and said “I got you”.


~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on June 3, 2008.

12 Responses to “Not at my house”

  1. ROTFLMAO priceless @ Lil Fresh!!!!!

    so done @ smart ass comment to wifey’s friend!!!! hahahahaaaaaa

    *wondering where my plate at* hmmmm

  2. LOL @ ‘I got you’! Fantastioally hilarious 🙂

  3. Princess Freshalina already knows that. I had one of those weekends where I was over al of the impolite guests too. I feel ya.

    Uh Bruh….what did you eat at the cookout? Did you run? Whats up OSAG partner?

  4. i aint watchin nobody’s bad lil kids

  5. Dang, Fresh. What kinda company you and the missus keeping? Soda cans behind the tv, chips in the couch, and they show up empty handed???

  6. man that is perfect.

  7. LOL@”Don’t test me in my own house people”

    So True!


  9. we have the same job. My mum pulls that “my feet hurt” excuse all the time.
    your response to wifey’s friend had me cracking up.

  10. Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Fresh…you are a mess!!!

  11. I got you? Your baby has been here before. LoL I personally, can’t show up to a cookout empty handed, nor can go to someone else’s house and not help out with preparations or cleaning up. I might not load your dishwasher or store the leftovers the way you do, but lemme help with something…so you don’t mind inviting me back. I can’t stand being a hostess-turn-babysitter-turn-psychiatrist either. If you say your child is in a “destructive phase”, don’t bring his lil’ ass over here and expect me to be understanding when he pokes holes in my freakin’ leather sofa.

  12. Lol..I almost choked on my pizza laughing at this post. The response to the wifey’s friend…classic.

    Definitely gonna frequent your spot. Love the candid nature of your words.

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