Pressure Busts Pipes

Oooooooooo baby, don’t stop, yes…..yes…….Uhhhhhhhhh daaammmnnnnn…..

That’s what I said and before I could pull the wrapping off Dope Boy Fresh, she says…..

“Fresh, we need to talk”


“We need to talk” is the one of the worse sentences ever compiled. Whatever follows that shit is never good.

Damn women always get men when we’re vulnerable. Either when we’re horny as hell or just got some. Can’t think straight. Still got pudussy on the brain.

“Sure, what ’bout we talkin” (can’t think straight, can’t speak straight either)

“We need to talk about us”


That sentence is the ABSOLUTE worse sentence ever constructed in any language. We need to talk about us. Je peux te parler? (on my junior high school French shit. I don’t even know if that’s right)

This didn’t just happen. This was years ago. And what followed after those words were her asking me to talk about OUR future. Let’s rewind even more, 2 months before those words were muttered, we just began this relationship. 2 months.

2 months. The relationship still has that new badussy smell to it (like new car smell). Everything is still fresh (no pun intended) but yet when she asked me that question, I was baffled. Like damn, so early?

Fast forward. Today my co-worker tells me that she confronted her new dude with the same question – 3 months into their relationship. He bugged out. She wanted to know where they would be a year from now. He was clueless. Said he didn’t know. And she did what most women do…..follow-up that answer with another damn question basically asking the same shit a different way…Jedi Mind Tricking us men. “Well, where do you want us to be?” Still the same answer. Same shit. So she asks me what his response meant. I am the resident male speak translator for my friends.

Well, it means you caught him off guard and he hasn’t thought about it. Hell, he really doesn’t know. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Just like I didn’t know years ago when I was asked. Most men don’t think that far ahead in the early stages of a relationship. I know for sure I don’t. Give me 6 months and if we’re still together, then yeah, I’ll put thought to it. Women – well, they’ve already thought about it and have the wedding planned….(side note: I once had a girl tell me HER wedding plans for US a month into dating. I ran from that woman faster than Marion Jones on steriods son. It was like the cartoons when all you see are leaves and papers floating to the ground and a pile of dust). Her girl told her that he doesn’t have her interest in mind and it’s time to leave.

Leave? because he said I don’t know? No wonder why her girl is single. ( I feel a Fresh Five coming on this topic)

She goes on to tell me all of these little signs and clues about him and I’m sitting there like damn this girl is crazy. I just saw her mouth moving but I really didn’t understand the words coming out.

So my advice to her was to calm the hell down first. Damn coffee drinkers. Caffeine is a helluva drug.

Then I told her what I told the girl I was with years ago and this is also what I tell most people who ask me advice in similar situations.

Just relax. Enjoy the moment. Live for today and stop worrying. Stop putting pressure on the shit.

(I’m gonna stop typing for a few just to let those words marinate.)

Did it sink in yet? Cool, let’s move on….

I know those words sounded real cliche but I think you’ll make your life a whole lot better if you follow them. The girls that use to nag me early on – I mean early – about our future are the ones I chose not to be with. The one who took her time and valued our time got the ring. Get it?

I’m not saying you can’t ask that question but the earlier you ask, the more a woman/man may think you’re psycho. At some point, the man will come around to think about the future just like a woman. For me, it depends on how well I knew the person.

But Fresh, I know what foods he likes, his favorite color and drink…..Yeah but…how well do you know him?

But Fresh, I met her sister and best friends….Yeah but….how well do you know her?

But Fresh, I’m a good judge of character. I know people…..Great, no wonder why Miss Cl.eo lost her job!

Like it or not, in the early stages (read: first couple of months), people reveal what they want you to know because they want to keep you around. And in those early stages, even shit smells like roses. Ya hear me? SHIT SMELLS LIKE ROSES.

You really have feelings for your boo-boo, your bun-bun, snookums, pooh-bear, whatever. You guys talk everyday, like 4 times a day. Then it happens. One day, you only talk to pooh-bear twice. WHAT?!?!?! Stop the presses. Something’s wrong. He’s cheating. He doesn’t care about me. Now there’s all this pressure to figure out what’s going on.

How well do you really know a person that early? Really?

It’s later on that you really get to know and understand a person. I know now that wifey acts a certain way because of shit that happened in her past. I accept it because I understand. And you know when I understood, 3 years into the relationship. 3 years. 36 months. 156 weeks. 1095 days. Not 3 months. What do you really know in 3 months? I knew what position she liked. I knew she had a brother and a sister. Hmmm..that about it.

You keep forcing shit. Remember square peg. Round hole.

You can’t force your relationship to work. Goes against the law of nature. You can’t force somebody to love you. You can’t force somebody to build a future with you.  No one will do any of the above unless they are willing. That’s real.

Relationships are work. They’re about sacrifices. You gotta put some skin in the game and I’m not talking about d*ck and p*ssy. You can’t go running for the hills the first time she doesn’t cook because you’re hungry and he hasn’t seen you in a week because he’s working. When you buy a new car, if you get a flat, do you get rid of the whole car? You don’t sell your house because light bulb went out? It’s about releasing that ego because let’s be real, some of you have too much damn pride and ego and have a hard time letting it go. Well hate to break the news to you, but you gonna have to check that thing if you want to stay around these parts.


~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on February 8, 2008.

18 Responses to “Pressure Busts Pipes”

  1. u aint neva lied man
    let shit come as it comes

  2. yo this is so true! I had a girl make wedding arrangements 3.Weeks.IN!

    “Cee, what’s our wedding colors gonna be?”
    “What? umm… I don’t know… why?”
    “Cause, we getting married, right?”

    3 Weeks in, Fresh! I ain’t gonna lie, I gassed her head up just so I could get to the butt, but damn, why did I even have to?

  3. oh man! this dude asked me if i could see myself getting married in the next year. we’d been dating for 6 weeks. SIX WEEKS!! ARE YOU INSANE!? i gave him the slow down and relax speech but he wasn’t trying to hear it because i said i don’t know, can you give me a while to adjust to you first? his mom was chattering in his ear, too. another bad sign. he dumped me and i was just like ooo..k hope you find what you’re looking for!

  4. Great advice. Let’s hope she took heed. *Wondering? if women will try to bring back Voodoo, you know, making their 2-3 month man spaghetti early in the relationship*

  5. Great advice…I may need to send this to some of my girls. They always hit guys with that all early!! They call me crazy and tell me I’m not proactive because after 3months I’m not asking the guy about our future!! I don’t even know if I REALLY like someone 3 months in…shoot!!!

    I’m all for taking my time…letting things be as they may!!

  6. Oh Lawd, not the voodoo spaghetti! LMAO

  7. There’s no way in hell I’d even bring up some shit at 3 weeks. 3 weeks?!?!?

    Seriously Pro and Dark&Stormy, I was afraid to eat spaghetti for a long time whenever a female made it.

    Miss B – you’re normal. your friends are crazy.

  8. Word, fresh!! You ain’t neva lied..even as a female, I see my friends moving to fast with their dude, I’m like chillll…Enjoy it..relax!! But, I also think, women are naturally ‘nesters’. Especially once we hit 25, then we hear those damn wedding bells ringing all the time!

  9. Great advice and very pertinent (sp?)

    But three weeks and three months? I move like molasses when it comes to relationships. I can date someone for a year or more and still be a little iffy.

  10. and let the church say AMEN!!

  11. Fresh…you ran faster than Marion Jones on Steroids? Now that’s fast.

    Pump ya brakes people. And don’t get me started on the internet relationships. Slow ya roll folks. Date. Enjoy. Get to Know each other. If it’s love, it ain’t going nowhere.

  12. Best quote I heard all day….

    If it’s love, it ain’t going nowhere.

  13. Three damn months…and she’s already talking about future plans?!?!?!. Damn…dude must’a put it on her somethin’ seriously!! [LOL]

    This post was on point Fresh…Couldn’t agree with you more in that you can’t hurry love.

  14. I shall never forgive you for “dope boy fresh”.

    But the post was 100% the truth!

  15. So timely…my girl broke up with her fiance’ of 5 years (now can this really be an engagement)…then she meets some random dude and after 3 months of knowing dude, he’s pushing her whip, laying up in her house (he says he works) and her 15yr old is calling him her “Daddy”…WTF…ummmm i had to step off of that situation for a while because I didn’t want to catch some of that desperation…i can’t understand playing house with someone after 3-4 months


    I just wanted to restate that. Because that is definitely called for in such a situation.

  17. […] is droppin’ some gems about relationships over at his spot. He must’ve sensed that I’ve been feeling a little antsy lately. […]

  18. I agree with everything you mentioned. Why try to rush everything? Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither are lasting relationships.

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