Put it to rest…

I disappeared for a few. You notice? Damn project at work got me working harder than a plastic surgeon in Hollywood.  So since we are well  into 2008, I figured I list some things I want to disappear. Go away. Get put to rest. I had more than enough of these in 2007 and I’ve officially OD’ed. So Vamoose….

(1) Sou.lja Boy dances by white people. Hell, S.oulja boy dances by black people. Hell, Soul.ja boy but I can’t really knock his hustle. I turned on a college football game on New Years Day and don’t you know, as soon as I turn on the TV, I see these white people, face painted with their college colors doing the S.oulja B.oy on national TV. All you gotta do is go to you.tube and type soul.ja boy. Flooded. With nonsense. Now somebody go supa.man a hoe will ya? Yoouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

(2) Black athletes and celebrities getting in trouble. If you’re doing some shit right now, that’s illegal, Stop it. Stop going to the clubs tossing money in the sky “making it rain”. Stop going around your old ‘hood in the brand new Bentley after signing the mega-contract. Stop doing stupid shit like picking up machine guns in Wal.greens parking lots or whatever the hell. And yo cell phones have cameras ya heard? So when you’re in the car giving head and he says, let me record this on my phone, know that shit will end up on the ‘net.  It’s like everytime the spot light shines on a white celebrity, here we go, trying to upstage them….

(3) Br.itney Sp.ears. Nuff said.

(4) Ki.m Po.rter. Nuff said. Squared. She’s a bird. Yeah I said it. When your man says in black and white in the damn Es.sence magazine that he’s not ready to get married, f*ck you still hanging around for? That shit is in print. He’s not ready to get married. Let me translate for you. “I’m still f*cking other chicks. You are a long term jumpoff”. Then you wanna throw a fit when you find out he’s actually really f*cking other chicks?!!? Bird.

(5) Wack tattoos. I was in the gym yesterday and saw a guy with the Wu-T.ang symbol tattoo’ed on his arm but he looked nothing like Me.thod M.an, U-G.od, Inspect.ah De.ck, R.ZA or G.ZA. What on this cash-rules-everything-around-me planet Earth made him do that?

(6) Fellas I know you love your favorite sports team and on game day, you gotta rock the jersey to represent but the one thing I’m sick of here is when I see guys wear jerseys and put their name on the back. Can you see Fresh walking around with a Le.Bron jersey that says “FUNKY FRESH” on the back. Wiggedy wack.

(7) Women acting hard. That shit is annoying as I don’t know what to me. They got more of a lean in their whips than dudes. They posin’ in flicks giving the finger. But when shit go down they screaming like a b-i. If you wanna be hard, be hard. Grow a d*ck.

(8) White sunglasses especially when you are so damn dark (like burple).

(9) The terms Baby Muva and Baby Daddy. Enough already. I don’t care how trifling the other person is. Yeah yeah dude hasn’t even bought diapers. Yeah yeah, she tricked you. Who cares. It’s your child’s father. Or your child’s mother. The kids be like 13 years old and you still walking around saying that’s my baby daddy.

(10) Speaking of which, I need you fathers, daddies, sperm donators to step up to the damn plate and handle your shit. I’m tired of going to daycare to pick up mine and having your little rugrat run over to me screaming “Dadddddyyyyy” and when I say “Nah shorty. Not me. You got the wrong dude”, they run to the next brother man and repeat “Dadddyyyy”. First off, that shit is embarrassing to me cause mofo’s looking at me all funny. Hell, I know the mother looked good and all but damnit, I’m not that trifling 😉 Imagine that shit. You got another kid on the low at the same day care as your main stay. WOW. Anyway, it makes the woman look bad too cause other parents looking at her like damn, you fucking somebody at the same day care?!?!? Now as the man, you need to get in that child’s life so they can tell the difference between me and your punk ass before I become their step-dad fo’ real because some of those women are certified platinum MILFs. LAWD!!!
(11) I need all of you out there to learn how to use a damn computer. When the shit don’t print, make sure the printer is turned on and plugged in. Remember your damn passwords especially at ATM machines. Damnit it’s the same 4 number pin it’s been for the last umpteen years. Probably lil’ Leroy’s birthday or your birthday or your address or something. And if you don’t feel comfortable, stay your ass out of the self checkout lines in the grocery store.Those are supposed to move faster than the regular checkout lines and you fuggin it up.

(12) Ladies this one is for you. Don’t lie. Please. Stop the lying. We all know that when you say you’re going into  the store (especially Tar.jay) for ONE thing, it’s not true. So just tell the truth.  We all know you’re getting your shopping on. You have to walk past certain sections to get to where you want to go. You think the people at Tar.jay corporate are stupid? There’s a reason why the first thing you see when you walk in are purses and women’s clothes. Brain-washing bastids. Marketing 101.

(13) S.upahead. (Yeah I know some of you out there know of my fantasies but I’m divorcing her. I’m moving on to Vi.vica…hahahahahaha)

(14) Sex tapes. These damn things made people instant celebrities and if they were celebrities that were falling off, they became hot again. Fuggas. Think about it. R.ay-J.ay?!?!

(15) I.siah Th.omas – Thank you for f*cking up my favorite basketball team. You took a historic franchise and turn it to shit on ice. You get accused of shit and then you let your point guard punk you. Leave man. Leave. I always knew you were a bee-atch from back in the day. I don’t care where you grew up. Right now, you’re a punk. You make the dumbest trades ever. At one point I think we had like 5 point guards. Fuck we gonna do with 5 point guards son?!?! I want Charles Oak.ley and Pat.rick “even though I’m a center I shoot jump shots” Ewing and M.ark Ja.ckson and Ge.rald Wi.lkins and An.thony Ma.son to come back. Teams knew that if they were playing the K.nicks, it was a beatdown. Now they beat us down. And once again, if you’re going to sexually harass a chick, can you pick a better looking one?

(16) Rappers Beefing. 50 vs. Kan-yeezy. 50 vs. Dip.set. LL vs J.igga….Fresh vs. Fresh….Who cares?!?!?!?!

(17) George last name rhymes with “Push”. Do I really have to go into any type of explanation here of why Mr. last name rhymes with Push is even on my list. 1.20.09…..I’m sayin….

(18) Youngins saying “Grown and Sexy”. PUH-LEEZ. Do you even know what that means? 18 years old talkin’ about this party for the grown and sexy? Fugg you doin’ here then. R. Kel.ly isn’t coming. Speaking of his dumb ass…..aww….hell…..

(19) Ass crack. Get some clothes that fit. Have some class. Don’t show ass. Yo, that’s my slogan. I’m going to make signs. Have some class. Don’t show ass. This is a whole ‘nother post. There’s a fine line between classy and trashy and I’m seeing a lot of young women tight rope that joint in the workplace. But I’ll have to revisit this.

      (20) These camera phone pics in the restroom. Since when did the restroom become a photography studio? Up in the club posing for pictures for your my.space page in the bathroom?!?!?!? The pics of you looking in the mirror and keeping the flash on so all we see is this big ass light next to your face. Mirrors reflect but you probably missed that lesson in physics class huh?

      Damn that was long. I started with 5 and just kept typing and I know there’s more…So put it to rest…..


      ~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on February 1, 2008.

      8 Responses to “Put it to rest…”

      1. My name is 1969 and I approve this message.

      2. I agree with 1969

      3. I noticed! I noticed! Do I get some type of award? Nope. Okay. Well all I gots to say is Yes and Amen to this all. And a special “I Know Dats Right” goes out to #6, #18, and #19!

      4. Tabernacle!!

        I am going to post this in my office at work and send it to all my trifling cousins and friends.

      5. lol. ig. let me add. dude. i don’t want to see your draws in church. wear longer shirts OR and this is a bonus! stop belting your jeans below your waist line. and your girl is w/you, can’t stop touching you, so she’s wrong for letting you walk out the house like that.

      6. I must respectfully disagree with No. 14. Ray-J ain’t never been hot!

        And the ass crack…sigh. It’s a staple in Philadelphia. Must have jeans, must show crack.

        Fresh, what you doing on myspace?! lol

      7. Sorry Fresh, but I cannot agree with you on #6. As much as them damn things cost, you can best damn well believe MY name is gonna be on the back of that sumbitch. And my number too!

        LMAO @ certified platinum MILFs!

        I have to agree with the above comment about Brandy’s brother.

        And yep. It was long and enjoyable. I agree with MOST of it…

      8. lmao
        ur on point man
        had me dying

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