The Expert in Expertism

I’m sitting here watching the news (which by the way is one of the most depressing programs on tv) but it seems like in every segment, they have to talk to an expert.

There’s the political expert who breaks down…..take a guess…… politics.

There’s the financial experts who talk about the mortgage crisis.

There’s the forensic crime experts and psychologists who try and provide breakdowns of the crime scene.

Where do they find these people??!?!?!?!?!

Very few of them add any extra insight into what we already know in most situations and I feel like the spit useless rhetoric. Let me be an expert on one of these news programs.  Watch what the hell I say.

Anchorperson: Today, joining us on pur program is, Mr. Fresh, an expert in common sense. So Mr. Fresh, what could cause a man to kill his girlfriend and begin to cook her body parts? Was he stressed?

Me: No, the dude was f*cking crazy.

Anchorperson: What about a woman killing her children months ago and living with them and not informing the authorities? She said they were possessed.

Me: NO…she was possessed. Same sh*t. F*cking crazy. Coo-coo. Half past 6.

Anchorperson: Let’s switch topics.  A reporter on the G.olf Ch.annel recently said T.ig.er W.oods should be taken in the back alley and “ly.nched”. Ti.ger said it’s no big deal. Sh.arpton wants her fired. Do you think she should really be fired?

Me:  How many black people watch the golf channel? Okay that’s besides the point. But we got J.immy the Gr.eek fired. D.on I.m.us fired. Fuz.zy Zo.eller said something about Ti.ger and fried chicken when he won the M.asters.  Ti.ger is not going to be the face of racism. He’ll play down everything. Sh.arpton will be all up in someone’s face.  Can we do something more than just fire people? Let’s take her in the back alley to see what it feels like to be lyn.ched…..How come people can’t think before they talk?!?!

Anchorperson: There are a record number of foreclosures. The mortgage industry is suffering. What can we do?

Me:  RTFM. Read THE F*cking Manual. (in this case, your contract). Do your research. Know what the f*ck you signing. Damn people. Know how to budget. Learn math Fuggas.

Anchorperson: Lastly Mr. Fresh, the political campaigns. You’ve got a tight race for Democ.ratic nomination. What do you make of the New Hamp.shire primaries.

Me:  I don’t f*ck with cry-babies boo hoo’ing and sh*t when things don’t go their way. Give her arse a pacifier. Damn baby.  Who does it look like I’m voting for. Huh? *Holding up my fist*. OB son! What?!?!
Anchorperson: Thank you Mr. Fresh.

Me: Be easy. One Love.

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on January 11, 2008.

16 Responses to “The Expert in Expertism”

  1. LMAO!!! You are HILARIOUS!!! I would tune into the news EVERYDAY just to hear what Mr. Fresh, the Common Sense expert had to say…LOL!! You should look into that!!1

    They don’t want the truth though…oh well

  2. ROTFL!!!!! I have to say I’m with Ms.B, I would watch this everyday and then call in to back you up!!!

  3. hahahahahaahahahahaha. the insanity!! so funny. they’re probably friends with either someone on the show or someone behind the scenes. or they wrote a book a producer liked or something like that. very incestuous how these people get on tv. i’ve already had some of my classmates tryin to hit me up for spots on tv. i’m like first you need to spruce yourself up. but i digress. quite amusing.

  4. Ok you are mental!!!! That was a very funny and insightfuil commentary Mr. Fresh. lol

  5. LMAO ok see you got issues!

  6. LMAO!!! You clearly need your own show, (radio, tv, podcast, sumthin), effa a Bill Maher LOL!! *just make sure I’m a guest cause Bubba, you know I gots some shyt to say!*

  7. RTFM, my editors say that all the time but it’s true. I work in the mortgage business so I deal with these fuckers on a daily basis. You’d be surprised how many people can’t and don’t read their mortgage contracts and then want the government to bail them out when things don;t go their way.

  8. I would definitely have my tivo set for that!

  9. Fresh you need to be on TV. Really, Son!! LMAO.

    Funny as hell. I hope they are smart enough to give you the 7 second delay.

    When you get to be an expert on common sense and they need a fellow expert on bull shit hit me up. Most of thes experts are nothing but BS.

  10. We need people like you on TV Fresh..no bullshit, just real talk.

  11. You do know that medication can fix you right?

  12. Half past 6?! Don’t give me a new quote lol!!

  13. Heck. Petey Green done ressurected! Love it…

  14. LMAO! Dude that was hilarious and oh so true. Most of these experts just re twist the story and what the anchor has already said.

  15. you are a FOOL. lol. *praying* oh please please let mr.fresh get hired as an anchor expert on cnn…pleeease? lol.

  16. you live your name up to the fullest; don’t clown me when you see me on your tv screen — i want to be an “expert in expertism” too!

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