Fresh + Holiday Party = Complete Boredom

You can tell from the title what I attended last night.

Yuppee. The company holiday party.

I rarely go and since I skipped out last year, I figure ehh maybe I’ll at least show face this year. But as the day approached, I literally had to fight with myself about going. You should have heard the excuses I was coming up with. I don’t like company holiday parties. Well…let me rephrase that. I don’t like MY company’s holiday party. So with that…I give you this week’s Fresh Five.

Five Reasons Why I Don’t Like Going to My Company’s Holiday Party

Problem #1 – It’s waaaaay TOO “stoosh” or “stuffy”. Jacket and tie are required. Held at a country club. Shit like that. Now before you all say, so what. I’ll tell you that the company culture is FAR from “stuffy”. It’s not a law firm where you wear shirts and ties everyday. If you’re not in a customer-facing department (read: sales), you can wear what the fuck you want, as scary as it sounds. So imagine what happens when you tell programmers and developers who wear shorts when it’s 20 degrees, flip flops, haven’t shaved in years and probably haven’t showered in a couple of days that they have to wear a jacket and tie.

*cricket….cricket…cricket*

Yup, nothing. They don’t show up. No one goes and then they try and question cats days before to make sure someone is going to be there. So you got managers rolling up on you like “I’ll see you tonight right Fresh”…DAMN….DAMN…DAMN…

So Fresh gets Fresh and goes. Just as I expected. Crazy looking food and the crowd looks real thin.

Problem #2 – Kiss, Kiss. I HATE feeling like I’m kissing your ass. I hate schmoozing. I hate being phony and usually at these parties, I gotta work that whole “I’m-having-the-time-of-my-life” smile but the shit is ass. Gotta introduce your date and get introduced to dates and other people. I don’t remember your name when I work with you everyday, let alone meeting you one night…..which brings me to my next problem….

Problem #3 – I work with you everyday. F*CK I wanna party with you at night for….

Problem #4 – Office Gossip. Can’t stand it. I prefer to not have my name in anyone’s mouth. Now, I can’t…..well…that was a freaky thought but let’s move on….People don’t even wait until the party is over before they start bumping jaws. “You see that girl he’s with?” “Her man look funny?” “Those shoes do not match her dress”. The next day….”So Fresh, was that wifey?!?” “I heard Fresh left the party with the such and such” OR the best one I heard today “I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS MARRIED TO A BLACK WOMAN”….hahahahaha

Problem #5 -Wack Music. When I think of party, I think, club or house party. Music bumping. It’s hard for me to get into a “party” when I hear classical music. So this DJ last night realizes that NOBODY was touching the dance floor so he puts on recent music. JT.imberlake, Ti.mbaland…you know…dance stuff. But he has a hype man on the mic and this dude had one too many free drinks cause he’s dancing his ass off looking like this

Funny as shit. Then it got worse. The DJ put on S.oulja B.oy and white people flooded the dance floor like they was about to do the E.lectric Sl.ide. They dragged our VPs and C-level management out there and that my friends meant it was time for me to leave…..

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on December 14, 2007.

17 Responses to “Fresh + Holiday Party = Complete Boredom”

  1. HI-effin-LA-RIOUS!!! Were they doin the Superman, Fresh?!?! LMAO!!!

    I’m new to the office and our holiday party is during the day at some Irish Pub!! An IRISH PUB?!?! I’m goin, but I’m gonna be bored out of my mind with all these old white people…ah well…

  2. I love a good list!

    At least you guys get a holiday party! My cheap-ass job doesn’t do a damn thing for the holidays. I feel you on the gossip tip though. I work at a call center and it is just like high school. That’s why I keep my business to myself and kep it moving…

  3. What the hell was old boy doing in that video? And what exactly did you search UTUBE for? LMAO

    Office parties are fun fun fun at a hotel. WHew. But that’s Monday’s post. 🙂

  4. I came to ShitStew University too late for the free alcohol-off site holiday parties. I heard the last year, and it was confirmed (confident office gossip) that one member of management was giving brain in the stairwell. Dayum it!

    Now, we just will go to a fancy dancy resturant in the middle of the day. Oh well, one less meal I have to pay for.

  5. puhLEASE tell me he had whistles and glow sticks too!! hahahahaha. hilarious!! you didn’t get your “you’re black, i know you know this, show us how to do it fresh!” on. that’s no fun!

  6. Come on fresh…tell me u got the white ppl on camera attemptin to do the soulja boy lol. smh…

  7. well our office party is during the day in the large conference room and overflow in the reception area (large law firm)….its pretty boring until those folks start drinking….PURE COMEDY….

    LMAO & smh @ “I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS MARRIED TO A BLACK WOMAN”

  8. I’ve always worked in ‘behind the scenes’ capacities in my career, and I NEVER go to the parties. I hate the fakeness, trying to show ‘everyone else’ that we’re actual, living, breathing, upright-walking people, having to dress up, etc…someone from my department always goes (sucker!!) and returns with sordid tales of drunkenness, bad music, horrible dancing…you know what I mean.

  9. Our party was in the 5th floor conference room, lol. Need I say more?

  10. Our party was in the conference room with food from Piccadillys. All we needed was some Mad Dog 20/20, a spades game, and some George Clinton on the radio to make it a truly classy event!

  11. OMG…I have got to stop reading this at work. I can just imagine what THEY all looked like crankin that soulja boy! I really wish that damn song would just die die die already!!!

    “Problem #3 – I work with you everyday. F*CK I wanna party with you at night for…” This is my main reason for NOT attending the party!

  12. LMAO @ Mags

  13. No..not the soulja boy! You know white people love that, watch me youuuuuuuuuu!!!!

  14. ROTFLMAO hahahaaa I attended mine as well and it was NOTHING like my past company holiday parties.. there were only 3 other umm *americans* there.. LOL and I didn’t understand mostof what was said.. LMAO.. anywhoo

    what is it about that damn soulja boy????? I have more white kids in my juniors class now than before and the first song they asked for was SOULJA BOY.. lawd hath mercy

  15. 3 & 4 are my main reasons for not attending shee-it at my job. Ours is crazy bcuz it’s the whole hospital (1500 people) rushing the auditorium for free food. Animals, I tell ya!!!

  16. “I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS MARRIED TO A BLACK WOMAN”….hahahahaha
    Funny as shit. Then it got worse. The DJ put on S.oulja B.oy and white people flooded the dance floor like they was about to do the E.lectric Sl.ide. They dragged our VPs and C-level management out there and that my friends meant it was time for me to leave…..

    DEAD

  17. (CRACKING THE HELL UP) I’m laughing so hard that my three year old son just came in here (the computer room) and looked around the room and then in the closet and then at me,(arms folded across his little chest) “mommy, who is making you scream like that!!!???”), all in the most serious voice and look that a three year old can muster up. I tell him that I’m reading something and he says “oh, what does it say cause I wanna scream like that too.) heeeheee. Had to share that one. Go a head scratch your head but every time we are out and I laugh my son gets upset when people look and he has learned to say “please don’t mind her, she’s ok, that’s a laugh right there, not a cry for help.”

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