Only Me……

Work is crazy.

And with it being so nuts in here, I had to order my lunch and go pick it up instead of taking the time to actually eat at a restaurant. I get to the spot early and they tell me the food will be ready in a few more minutes. So I do what normal people do….I plop my backside in a chair and wait.

I’m looking around the spot like damn…..it’s awfully crowded in here for this time of day. It’s like 2:30pm. It’s filled with various age ranges, some whites, some blacks, a few I couldn’t tell what the hell they were, but all nicely dressed.

The hostess says something to me about the weather so that sparks some convo. She knows me. I’m not a regular but I come in here frequently. As I’m talking to her, I hear this ruffling in the background. It’s like chairs were moving and there was a lot of chatter.

So I start frowning but yet I’m still talking…..

3-4 minutes later, I hear some loud ass taps on the table and then a minute later is a bell. Then more damn ruffling, movement and chatter. I turn around and see all these people just getting up, moving around. It was like a big ass game of musical chairs……without the music.

The hostess leaves to go get my food. As soon as she steps away, a middle aged, Caucasian lady approaches me all bubbly and shit.

“C’mon now, there’s noooo need to be shy. C’mon with the rest of us” <–she said.

Me looking puzzled. “Nah, miss, you must have me confused. I’m not with your company. I work across the…..”

“You don’t have to be with our company. Now c’mon and take a seat”

“Isn’t this a company function, some team building stuff? I’m not with that company” At this point, in my head, I’m like is this lady a f*ckin’ idiot. Did she not hear me the first time?

The hostess comes back with my food in a bag. Gives it to me and now this lady is really looking puzzled.

“I’m sorry, but are you not here for the Power Lunch Speed Dating”

“Huh? Oh nah, I’m here for the turkey burger and that’s all”

Yo, I thought that stuff was only in the movies but I stayed there and watched for like 15 more minutes. Table tapping. Bell ringing. Chair Shuffling. Power Lunch. Speed Dating. 4-5 minutes with each person. I was in amazement the whole time. So me, being the silly one that I am, asked the lady some of the rules.

4-5 minutes. The tapping is the warning that your time is almost up. You have a minute left.

Can’t ask for the digits.

At the end, you tell the moderators who you like and when there are matches, (she likes you, you like her, you both tell the moderators), only then do they put you in contact with the other person. Otherwise it’s a wrap.

The ladies sit. The men shuffle. Most have a pre-defined set of questions. Damn, I should have said I was with the group. That shit would have been fun.

So what’s your name? I’m Fresh..that’s spelled F-R-E-S-H…..muddafugga can’t you read the name tag?!?!?!

So Fresh, what do you do for a living? I survive. You know it’s hard out here for a pimp….

Fresh, what do you like to do for fun? I’d like to eat you with my turkey burger then put you to Bed (ed…ed…eehhhh…ed ed ed)

Fresh, what are you looking for in a mate? What qualities do you like? Hmmm……I like big butts and I can not lie…….

Fresh, why are you here? Girl….when I’m alone in my room, sometimes I stare at the wall and in the back of my mind, I hear my conscience call, telling me I need a girl whose as sweet as a dove, for the first time in my life, I see I need love….

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on October 30, 2007.

13 Responses to “Only Me……”

  1. You so should have played along and asked some crazy questions.
    Now THAT would have made for a good blog post. MMMMmmmm turkey burger.

  2. *delurking* I’m over here ROLLING laughing! The LL line… Priceless. You should’ve have played along, then I could skip the ab exercises lol

  3. Ok I’m so mad at you for the hip hop pickup lines.

    HGE

  4. ABSOLUTELY DEAD!!!! ONLY YOU MAN.. ONLY YOU FIND THESE THINGS!!!! lmao @ da LL

  5. Why do these things only happen to you. LMAOOOOOO

  6. *DEAD* please call the coroner. The title of this post is so right, only you. Only you. The LL line is classic!

  7. LMAO! First the lesbians at Target now the Hip Hop Speed Date! LMAO, Only You!!

  8. lmao!!!! when you bring out the old l.l.?!?! you know it would’ve been on. you would’ve had people breakin the rules!! lolol. women like, “excuse me, he’s mine and he’s leaving now. thanks!” and they’re always short on dudes. Power Lunch Speed Dating sounds extra serious.

  9. O.K. That did it!! You are right. Only you! Next time (or first time) I am in NYC I am hanging out with you!

  10. LOL! I can not read your posts when I’m supposed to be working! I’m trying so hard not to laugh out loud for real, that my mouth hurts!

    g’bye!

  11. OMG!!!!LOL….so f’in funny…….LL Cool Fresh….

  12. Hysterical. You should have joined them!

  13. Wait, I can’t breathe!..LOL! Your a nut. I always wanted to see how those things worked too– not that desperate yet though, give me a few more months..

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