Pssst….yo baby yo yo….mami….

I went out to happy hour on Friday with a group of peoples. Mixed group of dudes and gals.

You know the best part about the happy hour? Not the drinks, not the plethora of tight skirts, not the music. Nope.

I was sitting next to my peoples and listening to these wack ass dudes spit wack ass pick up lines in an effort to get some digits.

I can’t lie ladies. When I hear some of the stories you tell me about how guys come up to you and approach you, I don’t believe most of it but it’s usually because I refuse to. But after hearing some of the shit I heard that night, I don’t know what to say. I’m damn near speechless.

Forget the grab your hand as you walk through the crowd mess. That’s nothing. The stuff I heard took it to a whole different level.

“Damn baby, you’ve got the best looking toes in here” Toes. Toes? T-O-ES? Not legs. Not eyes. Not hair. Not even ass. Toes. So you mean to tell me that whole time this dude is staring at someone’s toes? Okay but you know what, I’ll let it slide because it was ummm..original…and ummm….at least he gave her a compliment right? Until he follows up with the next line “I’d like to see what else looks good on your body” Oh boy.

Next up. This dude comes up to other friend of mine and just stares at her. All up in her grill-piece.  With a serious look. I’m like damn, what’s this about. As soon as he gets her attention, she says something to him like excuse me or whatever. This dude says “I FELT you calling me telling me to come talk to you. It’s telepathy.”  Uhhh no, it’s pa-thetic. So of course I’m like shit, let me see if I have the same super powers. I spent the rest of the night trying to get people to do shit for me but I guess it didn’t work because I didn’t get any female to buy me a drink, lift up their dress or give me head in the middle of the dance floor. Damn these super powers! I want my money back!

Of course the lines got graphic at some point. Can you really ask a girl to eat their putty-tang from the jump? I missed that memo. Even women were rocking the lines. I felt like I was at a speed dating event.

I was never a pickup line type of dude.  I think I used it once and got shut down so hard, I never used one after that. Where do people come up with shit? (oh I heard women using lines too…don’t front). Do they sit in front of their mirror and rehearse?! I’m more of a be-yourself type of dude. I might drop a smart ass comment but at least it continues the conversation.

Yo ma, I’m sayin’ tho’, you kinda thickly and shit baby, let me holla at you for a second. Wait, hole up, why you gotta move so fast ma. I’m sayin’ tho. Oh word? it’s like that. How you? Where you from? What you reppin’? Word. I got fam there (lying). Who me? They call me Fresh. Always Funky Fresh is my full name tho.’ So yo ummm you wearin’ the hell outta that freakum dress.  Your ass is bangin’. Word. Backyard bangin’ like a benzi. Hahaha. Word. You got a man? Oh you do. Yo, it’s all good….I’m sayin’….I’ma give you my number anyway a’ight. We could just be friends…….Holla at yo’ boy.

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on September 12, 2007.

13 Responses to “Pssst….yo baby yo yo….mami….”

  1. vom.it. here’s a combo of somethings i’ve heard the last few times i went out, “damn girl you lookin good in that!! you wearin it aight!! hahaha! i mean like damn and shit. ay yo but hold on i gotta take a piss. stay right there. yo man in here tonight?” please don’t curse at me in the first sentence. don’t tell me about your bodily functions and laugh at your wackness (i can do that for you). don’t ask me about my man. if i don’t want you, i just don’t, and vice versa man or not. laaaaame.

  2. Backyard bangin’ like a benzi. LMAO.

    The worst I ever got was, “Does that taste as good as I bet you do?”

    Gross. Tacky. And did I say gross?

  3. The other day while I was out picking up lunch for me and the mister this older guy turns around after placing his order and looks at me in amazement. He proceeds to say, with glee might I add, “You are extremely beautiful.” To which I thank him. As I’m headed to the cashier to order, he stops me short and says, “By chance you wouldn’t happen to want to marry me would you?” Laughing, I quickly flash my wedding ring at him, smile and respond, “Too late. Someone already beat you to me.” He blushed and said, “Dang. I figured that.”

    I guess older men don’t waste time these days?

  4. Well you know my favorite was when I got on the elevator with some old man and he said “Hi Redbone”………..screeeeeeech.
    WHAT? Do people actually say those things?

    And then there was the man who asked me if I drink a lot of milk…”Uh, Excuse me?” …..cause it does your body good. **SIGH**

  5. LMAO… hahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    SEE DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW??????

    I told you that shyt ONLY gets funnier!

  6. I’ve heard some crazy lines:
    He Bout to Get Shot Ones: Walks up to me, smacks my butt hard, looks me in the eye and says What’s the deal? (Jesus was on his side that day!)
    Blunt Ones: “Hey Shawt, I wanna see how the booty work”
    Semi-Blunt Ones: “That’s a nice belt you have on, but it would look better on my bedroom floor”
    The God Ones: “God told me you are going to be my wife” (God didn’t tell me that, back the hell up!!)
    I even had a dude hand out his card that was handmade with the following: Darren “The P*$$* Eater” Phone: 123-4567
    What ever happened to: “Excuse me miss, what’s your name”. It can work wonders!

  7. Fresh…Boy you SOOOOO crazy!!! ROTFLMAO

  8. LOL @ we can just be friends, that is the classic line! Well, aside from the usual, yo ma, how you? Ugh..pick up lines are the worst! See, me I’m into the classics, like: Damn boo, your feet must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all day!

  9. @Jameil – Woooow. Ummm hold on though. Stay right there. I got more to type but I gotta take a piss. HA!

    @Ms. Lee – Did you say gross?!?

    @Pro – The older ones are worse I think. But you might’ve missed your chance to benefit from an insurance policy!!!

    @Sixty – Hi Redbone?!?!?! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    @Bk – Ok homie. YOu got that one….I believe you now.

    @Magnolia – Business card.Hmmmmm……I really don’t know what to say about that one.

    @MsB – C’mon now. I know you heard some lines

    @Sha – Damn Sha. Don’t fall for the classic lines, a’ight pimpin

  10. speaking of insurance def. had a dude try to pick me up telling me, “i got insurance, i got full dental.” blink blink. i didn’t even know what to say to that one. even if you said something clever, you’re hanging w/my cousin who can’t quite seem to get it together so that was a negative before you even opened your mouth. sorry for you.

  11. you are silly. this guy came up to me the other day and asked me for my autograph. then he’s like “the only thing halle berry got on you is a head start!”

    i was cracking up.

  12. Whoa! Man, I avoid clubs and drinking in public at all costs.

    I would throw up in my Crocked Golf Cart.

    Can you wash your brain after listening to that bullshit?

    It can’t be healthy! It can’t be!

  13. See down here in Louisiana, if you say you have a man, they ask if they can be your “friend.” Meaning lemme hit when yo man ain’t acting right.

    See that is my my city (Baton Rouge) was #1 new AIDS cases in 2005. I’m staying in my damn ass in the house until I leave this bitch

    Bitch, if you fucking him, he ain’t JUST yo friend!!

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