Corporate America: High School Revisited

First there was the interview. –>READ ME<— Then there was part 2 of the interview. Read about it here

Then, we hit the totem pole. Remember that? No. Read this

Continuing in my series (I know they haven’t been consistent) about Corporate America, today’s topic is simple.

Corporate America – man, this shit is just like High School. Let’s see why….

Cultural divide– You got the blacks on one side, the whites on the other. Sprinkle some other nationalities in the mix and you have your melting pot. The cafeteria here smells like curry fried spaghetti because all of the different races put their food in the microwave at lunch and damn. FUNKY. When upper management is around, you might all hold hands and sing KUMBAYA (on some diversity initiatives bullshit) but as soon as they leave, the room parts like the Red Sea.

Mr. Race Representer– There are people at my job who check the box for African American on their application but they’re not really down. Feel me? I’m one of the only blacks in my group which makes me…..the representation for all things black? Was there an email on that?  If I say I need a haircut, they say “Ahh Fresh what hair?” If an athlete or rapper or someone f*cks up, they come to me for an explanation. (I’ve been explaining A LOT lately – thank you Mr. V.ick, F.oxy Brown, R.emy Ma..the list goes on) And lawd knows, a song or slang term, I’m the fucking black dictionary. ARGGGGHHH.

Rumors – The minute you go to lunch with a member of the opposite sex, it is on. “Yo Fresh, you hittin’ that?!? You a bad boy son” *giving me a pound*

Gossip– There’s that one person in the office who knows everybody’s business and doesn’t hesitate to put you up on it on your first week at work while they introduce you. “That’s Fresh and they say he’s f*cking the accountant. I don’t know if that’s true or not but he does get his expense checks mad early” Or they try to find out shit about you from your desk. You got a couple of pictures up of the kid, wifey, whatever then the assumptions come. “That new guy Fresh, he has a daughter but I don’t think it’s by the woman that’s on his desk cause they complected different”

The Untouchable Dimepiece– She’s bangin’. She’s got the style, the flavor, maybe even the position. She’s mad confident. Her and her attitude have rejected every dude in the office in some shape or form. Not necessarily a bad thing but she just doesn’t tolerate much. Dudes in the mailroom put you up to this one because they are one of her rejectees. Bag this one and you will be enshrined in the mailroom wall of fame. Then you become part of the Gossip.

The Office Slut– On the flipside you have this one. The class slut. You remember in high school, there was one, or two, or three people who just got “around?” This person, male or female, has pretty much fucked everything in sight just cause. Seen a weird picture on the copier lately of some ass cheeks? Hmmm….Don’t sit in that chair in the conference room you just never know where people skeet. (Awww skeet skeet)

Mr. Popularity– You wanna know why Biff McFly got that promotion? He goes to happy hours with the masses when Fresh….well Fresh likes to go the fuck home. If its mandatory I’m there. If its optional I opt the fuck out unless its an occasional going away party that gives me a chance to say good riddins….

I Need Attention –They are usually not the office slut but they do certain things to get attention at work like ummm…..come in scantily clad like they’re about to hit the pole after work and put on some clear heels. Or they got the boobs ready to pop out and help me type my reports. There’s nothing better than 10 fingers and 2 nipples.

Dear Freshy – Do you have people at your job who just come up to you and start talking about what’s wrong with their life and ask for advice. It’s crazy. They come in your office. “Fresh, got a minute….man, my baby mama stressing me” and before you can tell them you’re busy, you know half of their damn life story.

Dumb Ass Teacher – In high school, there was the dumb ass teacher who taught the class no one wanted to take. In CA, there’s that one manager no one wants to work for. Feels like you gotta raise your hand just to take a piss. Leave your desk for a minute and they wanna know where you were. Can’t stand that. I’m an adult. No need to keep tabs on me.

and last but not least…….

The Haters-Always got something to say. Some will say “yo Fresh, that’s a nice shirt”. The haters say “it ain’t all that”.  You’re eating lunch at your desk, they got a fuggin’ comment. Most of the time they don’t even know you like that. They never took the time to. But the minute you walked in the door, the fact that you breathe the same air as them made them not like you. “He seem stuckup” “She think she all that”. Who cares. All haters get the middle finger.

Does this shit remind you of high school sometimes?


~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on August 23, 2007.

19 Responses to “Corporate America: High School Revisited”

  1. LMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAO!!!! son you stay hittin it on the nose!!!!

    another classic entry!

  2. So true, so true…..what if I am the “untouchable hater”? YOU AIN’T ALL THAT…..LOL

  3. OMG!!!!!!! I swear we work for the same firm…lmao….

    If I have to answer one more question about hair, hiphop (rap to the masses), anything involving a black person and prison…imma jump outta the nearest window.

    Do I look like Cornel West explaining ish to you all day? Then they get offended because you declare you are not the black CNN reporter….lol… this blog

    two fingas

  4. Bump all dis…sosososososo are you really doing the Accountant?

  5. Well I heard it’s not the accountant…but the Big Boss’s Wife. But I ain’t one to gossip…so you ain’t heard it from me.

    Why two mofos (one man, one woman) came to me to ask about vacation/sick accruals and told me they were getting divorced. With the details! I didn’t sign on for this….

  6. “That new guy Fresh, he has a daughter but I don’t think it’s by the woman that’s on his desk cause they complected different lol!

    And I hate being the race representer too!!

  7. @BK – I just observe mami. Just observe.

    @Sixty – The Untouchable hater huh? Who you think you is?!?!

    @Akilah – I’m gonna start calling you Ms. Cornel West..or Cornella West…HAHAHAHAHA

    @Roycee – Sossosososososo did you really knock off Diddy in your dream?

    @Ms. Lee – How you know the accountant isn’t Big Boss’s Wife? Huh? BTW, can you use sick accruals for divorce settlements?!?!

    @Opinionated – The gossip is a killer. Sadly that was actually a statement out of someone’s mouth.

  8. The cafeteria here smells like curry fried spaghetti because all of the different races put their food in the microwave at lunch and damn.
    Holy Canoly.
    I hate them founky work smell hybrids.

  9. *DEAD* Touche chump LOL!!

  10. Ahh..its times like these when I am thankful that I work in an office where I am the only female and my co-worker and boss see me as ‘one of the fellas’ I don’t have to deal with the BS!

  11. Complected…that’s one of those words WE came up with

  12. Have you seen Corporate Negro by Pstola on YouTube?

    Funny stuff.

  13. Man, that is wonderful. That works for higher education too!

  14. ugh. yes. so wack. and allow me to say vomit @ curry fried spaghetti! you hit em on the head. all of em.

  15. ROFL at you being “The Black Dictionary”


    And wow you really got office life pegged. I can name at least ONE person in my department to fit every fucking one of these descriptions.

    But um, now I’m just wondering which one I am?


  16. I play the “Deaf mute” when it comes down to it. I would sit in team meetings and such and when they would try to allude to the: cultural divide, race representor, rumors, gossip, etc. I would always be like, “Me no speaker day English?” I turn Haitian/Creole on them mofos quick. And I ain’t. I didn’t do that shyt well in high school, pretty much kept to myself, almost messed me up during hazing days cause I prolly was the “untouchable hater,” and my adult life, like Ced’, “I’m a GROWN AZZ woman!”

    This piece should be in some CA newsletter. LOL

  17. LMAO @ the whole post. Classic and definitely spot on! But I’m *DEAD* @ Biff McFly!!!

  18. *EHEM* We are waiting *impatiently*

  19. That cast of characters is universal!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: