Fresh Five: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

In this installment of the Fresh Five series, I figured I’d give my peoples some essential survival tips. 🙂

This is something that most of us hate doing but sometimes, you gotta suck it up and do it. So hopefully this will help you out the next time.

HERE WE GO…………

5 things you HAVE to do in order to survive a night at dinner with your Euro Ofay co-workers (not in order)

#1 – Make eye contact with the 1st black person you see.  This is crucial. When you get to the restaurant, immediately scour the room and the first REAL brother man or sister that you see, make eye contact with them and give them the universal black person acknowledgment….you know the head-nod or something.  This lets them and you know that you’re on the same page.  Well Fresh, how do I know if the black person is REAL? If they give you an acknowledgment back, good chance they’re real. If they look away or look at you like you got a crook in your neck, continue scouring the room. This is CRUCIAL people. Why? Because if shit go down, somebody there has to be able to tell the cops the “real” story.

#2 – Assess the group you’re going with.  You gotta know who you’re rolling with. Are they the classy types with dry ass jokes and annoying ass chuckle? Or will they guzzle the beer and roam across the room screaming “WOooooooooooooooooo…..fucking ay dude…….you rock!!!!!!”. The other thing, which is important, are you rolling with snitches?!?!? Are they gonna run back to the office and say shit about you and any one else in the group?  Which brings me to #3.

#3- Verbal control. Let’s be real. Some of us black folk like to run our mouth. Ummmm… A LOT. But in these situations, you gotta practice verbal control. Say enough to front like you really wanted to be there and are enjoying the dinner but don’t say so much that when you get back to the office, your job is in jeopardy. Remember #2…the snitch? Right. Be careful what comes out of your mouth. I’m not saying hold your tongue but damn, the group doesn’t need to know Shante had you screaming when you pissed some years ago!  On the real, they (the Ofays) will tell you every fucking thing about their life. Just listen. Seem interested (actually some of the shit I hear fascinates me) Form and express your opinions  to your peoples later. It’s pure comedy.

#4 – One drink minimum. That’s it and since they’re paying for it, don’t order the St. Ides. Please. Get some good shit that won’t fuck you up though. You want to get a drink and feel “nice” but you still gotta be able to fuck somebody up if shit goes down and we all know when you get drunk off the Alize and Henny, you can’t even walk in a straight line. Plus it helps with #2 and #3.

#5- Befriend one.  Before you go out to dinner, befriend one of the Ofays in the group. You know why? If you befriend one, they will stick up for your ass like crazy. “Oh no, not Fresh, he would never do that” or “My black friend Fresh, he rocks!!!!” You need one in your corner.

Damn…..I got 2 more…..

#6 – Common.  Not the rapper. But realize that there’s a 95% chance that you and them have nothing in common other than work. They like Discovery Channel. You watch BET. They watch Survivor. You watch Flavor of Love. I mean, damn. So before you go to dinner, watch the news or read the paper. Nah serious. During dinner, every fucking topic is gonna come up and you can just say some shit you heard on the news or in the paper. That shit works.

#7 – Menu.  Look I know we don’t get out much and when we do go to these spots, the menu’s are like gibberish to us. Last night I had no idea what some of the shit was so you immediately find the “safe” item and stick with it but please, no faces. If you don’t know, ask the one you have “befriended” or ask the waitress/waiter in your quiet voice. Not your outside voice. Loud ass knee-grows.  The Euro’s eat anything and everything. Last night this dude had quail for his appetizer and rabbit for dinner. Yes, I said rabbit. I was sitting there eating my “safe” pasta thinking, this mudda fugga is eating bugs bunny…WTF?!?!? Eat what you can and when it’s done, roll through the drive-thru.

Real talk. When I go to these things, I study this people cause they know sh*t I don’t know….It’s only for a couple of hours….Then you can come home and watch BET.

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on July 26, 2007.

24 Responses to “Fresh Five: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?”

  1. Your list is hilarious.

    I would like you to know that rabbit is actually very tasty. Love it. Am a foodie and up to try anything once. Although I did have rabbit a few times. LOL @ eating bugs bunny, I did not think of it that way. Just know it was damn good.

    LMAO @ using your quietest voice. You might have to break this down further, some peole have know clue what this is. Or they just do not have a quiet voice at all.

  2. *DEAD* @ us not having verbal control. And he ate Bugs Bunny…OHMYGOD!!!! LOL!! Seriously kid, you need to take this show on the road…you are missing your calling! As i read your posts I imagine this heavy BK accent in my head and every time I’m dayum near pissin my pants…Hilarious! But all so true (that’s the sad part)

  3. too funny. i always take dudes to those kinds of restaurants so when they get there with the coworkers they’re not all confused and know what some of that stuff is. i only know b/c food network is one of my fave channels. good thing i work at the news. that gets the whole knowing what’s going on in the world crap out of the way. befriending one is a great idea b/c then you don’t sit there like a log, either.

  4. OMG.. you said he ate bugs bunny!!! ROTFLMAO!!!

    Man.. I just stay quiet and nod and smile and LOOK PRETTY.. cause the only ones in MY group are OLDER ones who well have been BRAINWASHED BY THE EURO OFAYS AND BELIEVE THEY ARE THEM!!! I’ve yet to find another FACE in the crowd BECAUSE ITS ALWAYS A DAMN PRIVATE ROOM OR AT THE HOTEL!!!

    but your list had me DYING ESPECIALLY THE VERBAL control lol

  5. what does “ofay stand for? sorry i’m still a newbie here

  6. *with my hands clasp together-tightly*

    Dear Lord of Lords,

    Thank you for being AFF into my life. I would have been lost with these Ofays that you put on this earff. Please bless Buggs Bunny’s soul since Homer Simpson ate him last night. Baby White Jesus, please install these seven Ofay commandants into my brain so I can keep my job. In the name of everything Knee-Grow and Kinky…

    I pray in Baby White Jesus’s Name…

    AwwwwwMAN!

    L-Boogey

  7. @Tired – Is rabbit considered red meat or poultry? Can you classify it for me?!?!? And yes, some of us don’t have a quiet voice.

    @Jameil – I’m trying to help you out 🙂 I know the dudes must look at the menu all shook. HA!

    @Roycee – I’m just speaking the truth. You know this!!!!!

    @BK – Just smile and look pretty huh? HA…yo, what if they ask you a question?!?! What you do? Smile?

    @Anonymous – Actually I stole the term Ofays from Roycee so I think it’s only right that she disclose the origin.

    @Divine – In the name of everything Knee-Grow and kinky..BWWWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA…You crazy.

  8. Rabbit is red meat…..although it potentially can taste like poultry…..

    DivineLavender brought us Divine intervention….LMAO…. I swear am hard headed, I keep reading this damn blog with food in my mouth. LOL @ I pray in baby white jesus name.

  9. Hell, I had to come back and read that myself! Baby White Jesus name get ‘er done!

    ROFLMBAO!!!

    Always Stanken’ you have been tagged by me. Reverend Run partake in the bread of Egg-norance and Wine of the Box. Spill It.

    I agree….I am one goofy mo-fo!

    That some classic Divine Lavender Dilldunkery!

    Always has blocked me yet, my days are numbered showing my color ova hera!

    L-Boogey

    *drops the mic, and exits stage left quickly before God strikes me down!*

  10. Fresh…this is very useful…very useful. You know that since we co-exist in corporate america, I can totally relate to these guidelines. The one drink minimum is totally necessary. EVen if the entire team gets pissy drunk….the minute you do , they will all sober up and start watching your behavior.

    I agree with Roycee, you have missed your calling. You should be on TV or something. Pure genius.

    (and I’m a foodie too, I can navigate a menu with the best of em.)

  11. Well umm no I actually answer the question and when I do they all stop what they doing like EF Hutton was talking or some shyt.. 🙂 I just keep filling their glasses with wine LOL and continue to smile and be pretty!

  12. Some of the Ofay shit really is fascinating to say the least. What if you find out, like I once did, that I was in the presence of a bunch of swingers. Yeah. Imagine trying to play it too cool and they think you are game.

    To the newbie, Ofay is “our” way to speak of Whites. Now, my youngest has coined another word here recently, she calls them, “Blank people.” WTF her 5-yr-old mind get that from?

  13. @ Anon…you white or black? LOL!! I can’t be letting our secrets fall into the wrong hands LOL!! No seriously…Ofay is Pig Latin for the word Foe…popularized predominately by the Black Panther Party back in the early 70s, who used it as a racial slur against white folks. But it is actually believe to have it’s origins in the slave trade where africans used a simlar word (which I can’t remember) that meant light-skin in reference to Europeans. The foe thing ocassionally reasonates *shrug*

  14. @ Sixty – I’m glad you’re a foodie but ummm damn this dude ate bugs fuggin’ bunny. I’m having a hard time with that.

    @ Pro – Blank People…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Is that copyrighted?

    @Roycee – Thank you for your profound explanation. See I told you guys she’d do a good job. I adore you. BWAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

  15. @ Roycee: I could kick myself for not following my first instinct to keep my GD-mouf-shut-da-fugg-up! I had this feeling you would come back up in here with all your ca-knowledge and give a more apropos explanation of the term. And look at me, I didn’t even question Anon’s background (Black or Blank?). I’m already banned from taking dumps at the crib, now my inspector gadget card might get revoked after this slip up. Note to self: when a definition is warranted refer to RD. You braniac.

    Okay, Fresh, you have been granted access to “Blank” hence forth.

  16. I’M SO DONE… LMAO!!!!

  17. “Oh no, not Fresh, he would never do that” or “My black friend Fresh, he rocks!!!

    *dead*

    I look around for eye contact to, just in case they want to kill us the other black folks and I can run for the exits togeather.

  18. This is one of your funnist posts ever.

    They talk about us and fried chicken and they eat all kinds of mess(bloody steak).

  19. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You said…dude was eating bugs bunny.

    I can’t even think of anything else. I need to catch my breath.

  20. You need to make this a handbook, Dude. You’d be a millinaire.

  21. *millionaire

  22. You are not well. LMAO “He ate Bugs Bunny”. LOL I don’t know what’s funniest – your post or the comments…praying to “white Baby Jesus”, “Blank people” (from a 5yr old? LOL), “homer simpson ate bugs bunny”.

  23. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
    I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING! I AM STUCK ON THIS ONE– just say some shit you heard on the news or in the paper. That shit works.

    YOU ARE SOOOOOOOO RIGHT!!!!!!! HAHA…. 😉

  24. This is why I hate spending social time with them…it just feels like work.
    Over lunch one day one of my ignorant Kneegrow coworkers told everyone she going to eat Antelope and Zebra when she went to Africa for the Peace Corps (she wasn’t really going) They all did the fake chuckle.
    I was too embarressed. I had stopped claiming her long before that incident anyway.

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