Fresh Five

TMobile has the fave five. Ms Lee drops the Ten Spot on Thursdays. So I figured I’d join the parade and drop the Fresh Five (because I can’t think of 10)

So before I get into this week’s Five, let me first wish my BFF 1-9-6-9 a happy birthday!!!!! 1969 – the mother, the wife, the graduate of the inferior high school, fellow BK representer gained another year in her approach toward 40. Can you believe it?!?!? She’s gonna be one of those women in Essence that are 60 and look 25. Happy Birthday!!! Much love and respect. Oh yeah, you can have a donut or two today…..

Now let’s get on with the get on.

Everyone always talks about who they would do. Nia Long, Halle Berry and the like are all women that Mrs. Fresh would have to contend with (oh the list is much longer) but people rarely talk about who they wouldn’t touch. So……………

The theme for today’s Fresh Five is:


#1 New York.


Flavor of Love loser spin-off chick. Even before she bumped her boobs up a couple of sizes, she’s too drama filled and down right hideous to me, not too mention she tongue kissed Flavor Flav. That alone is cause for me to go with her to the clinic, watch her get tested and see the results with my own two eyes. Hell I might put on the plastic gloves and draw the blood myself. Who wants to deal with all that? Her attitude is straight un-attractive and truth be told, her mom would have me running for the hills cause she’s hideous too. Do you see her mom’s eyebrows?!?! You know what they say. If you want to see what a woman will be like when she gets older, look at her mom. *Shivering* YUCK.

#2 – Lil Kim (and most female rappers)


I used to have love for this chick

Now I straight run from this chick

Hiding in bushes and shit

In the cheek bones, in the breasts

Silicon in the butt….YES YES WHAT?!?!?!

#3 Brandy


Besides the fact that she can’t really drive (sorry that was cruel but a woman who knows how to handle the whip is sexy to me…not road rage just umm…..tactical). Anyway, she rocked braids for mad years and then went natural but yo, that forehead will not be denied. I almost didn’t put her on the list. I felt bad for her with that whole accident boondoggle but then I remembered Ray-J was her brother……Her and Monica fighting over some dude in The Boy is Mine. Who was that Mekhi Phifer right? I think dude must’ve been drunk when he hit that and she fell in love. See that’s what happens when you f*ck around with people who are not attractive to you but yet you want some ass. So sorry Mo -to the E to the you are #3.

#4 Sheryl Underwood


Now I will admit, she’s funny as hell and as long as she’s telling jokey jokes at a distance, we cool. But the minute she tries to put moves on the Freshmeister, I’m out. She’s just a tad bit gummy to me. Just a tad. Don’t believe me, look at her picture again.


You see?!?! Your mind isn’t playing tricks on you!!!!!

#5 Buffie the Body


I’m gonna catch some flack on this one. But I’m standing by my word. She’s on the list. Fugg whatcha heard. Now most men drool over this chick for one thing and one thing only. Her ass and measurements. 34-27/28-45. That’s insane. That’s a 1.6 ass-to-waist ratio. Most assologists would agree that is off the charts. But there is something about her that makes me just say…Nah son…Gotta pass. First of all, she’s not that attractive to me. I know I know…put a bag over her face but how many people have really done that?!?!? So one day I’m watching some show on TV like Rap City and she’s on there and they are interviewing her and they’re asking her these simple questions like she’s a little kid. “So, do you like ice cream?” “What’s your favorite color?” I’m like WTF?!?!? Is she a brick? Now her and her man DJ Kay Slay are making a reality show…Help me please….You know what…she looks like her breath and her punani stink. You know how people just have that look like they smell? That’s her. It’s sad though, I bet you more black men know who she is than Barack Obama….

Honorable Mention:

Babs Bunny from Making Da Band


Yo, remember when she wigged out on the show cause she had to get her weave done?!?!?! She might be able to spit lyrics but she’s rough son. I don’t think she uses the vaseline when she beats your ass either. According to 1969, Babs is truly grimy. I think that says it all.

The next list……..can’t give away my secrets….Enjoy!!!!!!!!!


~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on July 2, 2007.

16 Responses to “Fresh Five”

  1. OMG….This was the best birthday gift ever. Sheryl Underwood and the horse???? YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE BEST. I am so happy right now, I don’t know what to do. I gotta go read it again. LMAO!!!!!! And, uh…..I already had one donut….chocolate with the sprinkles 🙂

  2. Wait….and “Dope boy Fresh”? LMAO…… slay me.

  3. you are so ignant!! i literally screamed with laughter!! man good times. buffy is nasty to me too. she just seems… like you described her. you had me dyin on babs!! sheryl kills me w/the damn purse. STOP IT WITH THE PURSE ON STAGE!! GET AN ASSISTANT TO HOLD THAT PIECE!! poor brandy! lol

  4. Happy Birthday 1969!!!!

    Fresh…I tried so hard to laugh with a straight face. My co-worker keeps looking at me like I should share the joke…lmao.

    “I used to have love for this chick
    Now I straight run from this chick
    Hiding in bushes and shit
    In the cheek bones, in the breasts
    Silicon in the butt….YES YES WHAT?!?!?!


  5. OMG!!! That was hilarious.
    LMAO..Wait….that ain’t even right.
    Aw what the hell….yes it is!!!!


  6. ROTFLMAO!!!! this was HILARIOUS!

    and yes again big ups to 1969

  7. I love your list! I love it! You really have taste…or know tastelessness.

  8. Thanks for the birthday wishes peeps!

  9. Ok, you had me cracking up!! Great list and I can see why you placed these ladies on that list. LOL

  10. Late *as usual* but yo! Why was I hollering when I read about Buffy da Body. See this here is the reason you are now and will forever be one of my favorite reads. Seriously yo, more men need to stand up and keep it real like this. I’m a heterosexual female who has no problem recognizing beauty in a woman when I see it but this chick right here is everything but Cute…SORRY!! Yeah her azz is a phenomena…but she’s all azz, no brains and no beauty SORRY!!!

    That Babs shyt is so true…that broad scares me and I dont scare easily LMAO!

    This was a great post…I needed this laugh today!

  11. OOOOHHH…WOW…LOL. Those were something else and i’d agree with them ALL if I was a dude of course…that super big butt girl was a MESS… seriously, isn’t their a limit to how big the butt should can be?

  12. You are officially a damn fool! You done completely ruined Buffie for me now. Cause you had me saying “damn, she do look like some Tic Tacs, a Summer’s Eve and a bar of Irish Spring. And you straight wrong about Sheryl with the damn horse. But I simply cannot agree with the list… This may be on my next “favorite posts” list.

  13. Oh yeah…da HORSE was over the top…Crazy~

  14. LMAOOOOOO with the horse, Fresh you are dead wrong for that one. New York’s mother looks like she belongs in a zoo with some other animals.

    This whole post is crazy.

  15. You so wrong on tha regular. LOL Dude, if NY hadn’t been on ya list, I would truly have been worried. Um, “Dope Boy Fresh”???Please, please, please tell me you don’t hit the “Whooo hoo hoo” sound effect like the Pillsbury Fresh Doughboy??!!!! LMAO

  16. I can see why you are not attracted to other women on the list but Buffie. You know you are going to lose your black card for that one son.

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