The Dating Chronicles….Blind


Back in the day, your boy Fresh was a nomad living in different cities, mostly due to work. One such location was Boston or as they say it –Bah-ston where they pah-k their cah by the hah-buh.

Anyway, where I worked and lived at the time was not exactly rolling in members of the opposite sex so I complained to a friend of a friend who responded with the “oh I have a friend that lives there….” So we start talking about said friend and hence the hookup began. For the rest of the story, we’ll call the girl…The Hookup.

Hookup called Fresh. We spoke. Not an earth shattering conversation but better than what I was getting at that time which was nothing. That was like a Monday. By the end of the convo, she was asking to meet up on Saturday. I didn’t have shit else to do so why not?

So I call the friend who introduced me to The Hookup and asked what she looked like. Yeah The Hookup told me but I had to verify. So she proceeds with the…she’s thick…long hair…yada yada yada…..You know when I picked up The Hookup, she looked NOTHING like what the friend told me. This is the first time I realized that the word “thick” was different to everyone.

Now ma dukes always told me not to talk about people but I’m gonna make an exception here…….LOL….

First of all she wasn’t thick…she was big….like 2 miles past big….like I can only wear sweatpants big. No I’m not trying to play anyone out there who’s big but if you tell me that you’re 5’2″145 and you show up at 5’2″ 265….that’s a big flippin’ difference!!!!! And even if you are 5’2″ 265, if she would have told me upfront, everything would be cool. But she got in my car and that joint sunk so low. Then her toes. I can’t front…like….I’m toe-phobic. I think everyone has ugly feet until I see proof. It’s like guilty until proven innocent. But her toes were mad. They were all scrunched up and shit. Like one on top of the other. You know how cheerleaders try and form a pyramid. Her toes looked like they were trying to do that with the pinky joint trying to get on top and yell “Go Team Go”.

Now this was around the time that cell phones weren’t popping like they are now. Around that time, I rocked the pager aka Beeper aka Skypage aka Hit me on the Hip. The point is I couldn’t figure out a way to get out of the date unless someone paged me or something. Don’t you know during that whole time my shit didn’t flinch? No pages..No beeps…Nothing. I even checked the battery in it to make sure it worked!!!!

I made it through the dinner. She wanted to go some place else. I drove her home. Made up some excuse about having to work the next day. When I pull up at her crib, she’s not budging. She doesn’t get out. No good-night. Like she’s waiting for something to happen. I tried to not even make eye contact but she kept staring at me. I felt it. She invited me upstairs. I declined. Told her I had to work. Then she moved in for the kill. I made sure she got cheek. Nothing more. She moved up to my ear and started whispering (which was the loudest whisper I’ve ever heard)…”Baby you should come upstairs. I wanna rub you down, give you a bath and give you all I got. Stay with me tonight”…My face looked like I ate 12 lemons. I had this vision of me being in the tub and her getting in and all the water splashing out the tub. Not a Good Look.

I drove home, took a shower, called my so-called cupid friend up, cursed her out and went to bed laughing………..Never would I do the blind date thing again…..

But you know what they say……never say never…… 🙂


~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on June 25, 2007.

18 Responses to “The Dating Chronicles….Blind”

  1. I’m so mad that the Norbit ad is up there! That’s all I see while reading, Rasputia and Fresh in the car! LMAO!

    U stupid for that one! LOL

  2. I hate when I do this, but well, I’m a little forgetful. But feet looking like a pyramid? I’m finished! LOL

  3. Her toes looked like they were trying to do that with the pinky joint trying to get on top and yell “Go Team Go”.

    Okay, see….this line has me so mad right now. YOU ARE A DAMN FOOL. And the water falling out of the tub? LMAO.

    But the woman had confidence. She was inviting you upstairs to rock your world. She would have put a hurting on you!

  4. yo…you got me gasping for air in my office…OMG….you got bamboozled, hoodwinked….lmao…..ummmm that’s why blind dating/internet dating is for the bravehearts…

  5. @Ms.Lee – Don’t front. You know you see women who got the feet all bundled up….C’mon….

    @1969 – She would have hurt me. You would have had to peel me out of the tub

    @Akilah – Hoodwinked isn’t the word. Yeah I got braveheart a’ight. Almost had a faint heart!!!!

  6. I cracked up all through this. Especially @ her wanting to rub you down and give you ALL SHE GOT!!!!

  7. LMAO. I H-A-T-E-D that movie–(thought it was Eddie Murphy at his worst). The pic though provided a visual I cannot stop laughing at.

    I would have cut my damn friend off without so much as a second thought!!

    All I could think about was that skit in the movie Friday where Chris Tucker says to Nia Long after being set up w/her friend–“you told me your friend looked like Janet Jackson—but she looked more like Freddie Jackson”


  8. I am with your Fresh. Why lie? Thick, big, fat, hugenotorious are different for everybody. I ask for height, weight and dimensions. I am sure you know that now. 200 lbs at five feet with A cup and no neck is just plain nasty-not THICK!

    ‘member I am the Queen of the big gurl club!

  9. DEAD @ the toes in a pyramid! I might have had to end the friendship over that. I hate when people say thick when they know damn well they mean ginormous. The same applies for men as well. I went on a blind date with a dude who called himself ‘husky’, but when I saw him he looked like the Michelin Man’s brother–just rolls and tires everywhere.

  10. you are so ignant!! the pinky joint trying to get on top and yell “Go Team Go”. lmao! a former friend of mine is a big girl. she exaggerates her size to people she hasn’t met so they don’t feel like she lied. why lie? you will just have a bunch of angry folk around and somebody with hurt feelings.

  11. Just posting my OSAG update. I can run a whole mile now Fresh….LOL (and I am donut free for uh, two days….)

  12. Oh that’s terrbile! Poor thing. lol That’s funny.

  13. Foul! I call a flag on the play! “But her toes were mad.”

  14. first off warn people before you just drop all that on us. LOL

    i cannot stop laughing. there are tears in my eyes. and you know i pictured it all. there’s a saying, everything ain’t for everybody. i admire her confidence though! i guess you sho was lookin good dat day to hurr! 🙂

    i wanna give you all i got. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bathtub wattta falling out. stop. i am mad at you for that one! you are dead wrong!

    p.s. and you cussed the frenn out too. that’s straight outta the movie Friday! she look more like freddy jaxson! LOL

    i’m out!

  15. omg! LMAO at story LOL for the pre-visual! This reminds me of Friday also.

  16. Fresh, you and all your commenters are damn fools! Y’all got me in TEARS! “go team go!” “My face looked like I ate 12 lemons” “I even checked the battery in it to make sure it worked!!!!” Those are priceless!!!! And I thought of that scene in Friday when you said how big she was. I know you won’t forget Big Ass Boston. Cause I sure won’t!

  17. Fresh you are damn wrong for this one. I keep forgetting not to eat while reading your blog, you made me choke…LMAOOOOOOO @ the water falling out the tub, damn with your face looking like you ate 12 lemons, not 1 but 12. LOL

  18. […] I agreed because in the pic she looked nice so I wasn’t going to have another incident like this. She was one of those types that thought she looked better than she really did and got pissed at […]

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