Next time tell your cousins to stay home….

This past Saturday, wifey and I went to new Washington DC Mayor elect Adrian Fenty’s Inaugural Ball. This was a black tie optional affair which means black tie was umm…optional(for you slow folk) In other words, if you got a tux, rock it. If you don’t but you have a suit, rock it.

For the most part, I’d say about 75% of the people there looked real nice. Ladies were rocking the evening gowns and some of y’all looked sexy as hell. Fellas, some of y’all represented with the tuxes or nice suits. (for the record, Fresh rocked the tux). BUT SOME OF Y’ALL COUSINS were OFF THE HEEZY FO’ SHEEZY…..

There was the lady who looked like a walking disco ball. Red sequins dress, brown stockings and purple heels. Huh?!?!?!?! The only thing I could think of is that she must be color blind…..

There was Mr. Pimpalicious. He’s related to one of y’all out there. Lime green suit with lime green gators, a white full length fur coat with the matching fur hat. Pimps up. Hoes down.

There must’ve been a sale on red tuxedos because I counted 5 of them joints. One dude even had a red satin one! LAWWWD.

I wish I would’ve brought my phone with me to take some photos but I left it in the car.

BUT for those of you who did show up, lemme holla at you real quick about your outfits. They weren’t as outrageous, outlandish as Mr. Pimpalicious but these little tid bits would’ve saved you from being talked about.

First off….

LAAADIEEES……….if your twins can touch your toes WHILE you’re standing up straight, your ass needs to wear a bra. There’s nothing more to say.

LAAADIEES………this was a formal attire affair. Leave the skanky outfits at home. Some of y’all looked like you just came from the club (or were headed there afterwards. I saw a few dresses that were sooooo tight, I saw the ass dimples prints through the dress.

Speaking of clubs….LAAADIEEEES….ummm…unless you plan on doing some tricks and sliding down a pole, please…please..keep the CLEAR HEELED SHOES at home. You know the ones I’m talking about. Every stripper exotic dancer has them. They come with the Exotic Dancer Starter Kit.

LAAAADIEES and FEEELLLAAS……It looks like the escort business is booming! There were so many damn weird couples that you could tell were not couples. He’s 4’11. She’s 6’1. Odd. Really Odd.

LAAADIIIESS……(and this one is just me being extremely picky), but first of all, it was nice on Saturday so you rocked the open toes. That’s all good but please, put some lotion on your dawgs. You can’t go to a formal looking like you kicked flour all day. Now I’m all for coordination so it’s probably best you change the color of your nail polish before the formal especially if you know it will clash. A black dress – classy. Black open toe sandals – classy. Green nail and toe polish – Nuh uh. Go visit Ling Lang at Fancy Nails and get some french tips.

FEELLLLAAASS…….if you have gray hairs coming in, it’s probably time to get rid of the cornrows. You ain’t Charlie Wilson playa.

FEEELLLLLAASSSSSSS…..your shoes fellas. Your shoes. They can’t look like you just played one-on-one against Kobe. Oh and fellas, your socks. Matching is fundamental. Umm..the white socks with your suit are a no-no a BIG NO-NO.

FEEELLLLAAASSS….eventually you have to roll with your woman to a formal affair. You can’t keep hitting her with “that ain’t my style”. Damnit grow up. It’s probably not best you let your lady roll to an event like that by herself because people were on the prowl. So if you’re lady asks you and you say, no, the game coming on and she left and you didn’t COMPLIMENT her on how nice she looked, trust me, there were more than enough guys who made up for your absence. And they have a better chance of getting some (from her) than you do. TIVO the game, let her pick out your clothes (she’ll get off on that) and be her damn trophy. You’ll get brownie points for it and an unsurmountable amount of ass (*disclaimer: Fresh does not guarantee the amount of ass from this technique)

FEELLLLAAAASS….Now when you do show up, understand that there will be A LOT of attractive women there and being the man you are, you’re eyes are going to roam and you will get hit on. (Oh and even though you are there, your woman/date/escort/fck partner will get hit on too) Trust me. I know from experience. So you gotta be prepared. If you see a phatty and you know you wanna look, don’t stare the girl down, especially not with your woman around. Practice your wandering eye technique. Be prepared to get caught by your woman and make sure you have backup tactics for situations like this….”hey pookie, who was that girl talking to you at the bar?” (that means she was on you). “oh sweetcakes, that was _________(insert your best friend’s name) cousin, ex, co-worker.” I’m not going to tell you anymore because I’m giving away my secrets. 🙂 If your woman gets hit on and you see it, don’t become a thug in the spot. Remember you’re dressed nice. So lay back, play the cut a little bit. Make eye contact with her. She knows she’s with you. She’ll get herself out of the situation. But if dude is persistent (as guys are) and approaches her again, then you roll up on her and make your presence known. I like to put my hands/arm around her waist. It makes a suttle statement like yeah dude, she’s mine. And if they’re still persistent, take off your suit jacket and COMMENCE TO BEAT THEIR ASS.

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~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on January 9, 2007.

6 Responses to “Next time tell your cousins to stay home….”

  1. ROTFLMAO.. ok see I’m mad at you!!! hahaha but you ain’t never lied bout that.. kekekeeeee

    but this here had me dying.. if ya twins touch the floor and you standing up then you need a bra.. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAAAAAAA

  2. Funny as hell with the Charlie Wilson commen, and the red suits. Damn

  3. Damn…how did I miss your blog. Despite you attending Midwood…this sh*t is funny as hell. I will return!

    And YES….green toe nail polish is NEVER cute.

  4. *lol* I would have loved to see the sights. Hubby and I planned on attending (I had already picked up the tix), but I was down and out with bronchitis and a respiratory infection. Not a red tuxedo!!! Somebody shoot it!

  5. @BK Diva – I’m telling you. It was almost like people had 4 legs!!!!

    @Tired – You know the old dude with the cornrows was yo’ poppa…

    @1969 – WELCOME Ms. Brooklyn Tech (yuck)!

    @TDJ – If you went, trust me, you would have gotten sicker!

  6. Note to Fresh. Don’t you ever. Ever, ever, ever, leave the phone in the car again.LOL. Dag, man, I thought Midwood taught you better!

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