shi-tolo-gy (shi-tal-oo-gee)
v. pl shitologies

  1. the act of or instance of taking a shit
  2. the science of shitting
  3. the shitology effect; the shitology factor: once his guts began to bubble, his shitology factor increased by 10.

If you haven’t figured out by now, this blog entry discusses something that everyone does pretty regularly. Shit. Poop. #2. Whatever the hell you want to call it, you do it, and yes, it stinks. I won’t get too graphic but hey, if you have a weak heart, just read another entry. Ok, let’s move on…

So with the deployment of Operation Shrink-A-Gut Fat Pockets, I’ve been forced to changed my diet a bit and seriously, that’s the hardest part about things. Not going to the gym. Nah, son, that’s easy. But choosing to eat broccoli over french fries?!?!?!? That’s some bullsh*t. Anyway I digress.

With these new found eating habits come new found foods, some of which are high in fiber (i.e fruit, oatmeal). Well today Mr. Fresh (me) decides to eat oatmeal for breakfast and have an apple for a snack, then salmon and mashed potatoes for lunch. Yummy yummy right? Wrong.

During my 2pm meeting, I’m sitting there doing my presentation when I get that feeling. C’mon you know the feeling. It starts with a rumble in the stomach, then minutes later your butthole feels like it’s about to open up. So I do what most people would do. I squeeze. Squeezing delays the shitology effect for a few minutes essentially buying time to get your ass to a toilet and not dropping the load in your pants. Can you imagine how f*cking embarrassing that is? Being a grown ass man and shitting on yourself?!?!?

There are two problems with the squeeze. Problem #1 – I didn’t have just minutes. I still had at least an hour left in this meeting. My saving grace was 45 minutes of it, I was presenting. I was hoping that this would keep my mind off the fact that I had to go. Problem #2 – Continuous squeezes can increase the shitology factor by at least 10. Please recognize. This is important. The longer you delay, the more you’ll have to do AND the worse it could smell. You’re running risks here. One other problem I forgot to mention. With the squeeze, you run the risk of “letting one loose”. One = something gaseous aka fartman scoop. You have to evaluate all risks.

So I finish presenting, run to my office, drop off my laptop and do some more evaluating. Hmmm…..I really don’t have to go that bad anymore so maybe I can hold it till I get home. It’s 3:30pm. I leave after 5. That’s a helluva lot of holding but something I’ve done before. See, I gotta admit. I’m not a public shitter. More of the shitology effect – determine where you shit. I’m a home shitter. I don’t feel comfortable shitting anywhere but home. That’s the bottom line. I want to sit on my own throne, drop my load, read a book or magazine and say “damn that shit stinks” to myself, not in public. That ideology is embedded in my brain and literally prohibits me from shitting anywhere else comfortably other than home. It takes balls to shit in public. I mean really.

At this point I can’t take it anymore. I’ve got to release so off to the bathroom I go. The big question now is which bathroom? Do I shit in the bathroom on my floor? Or do I go to another floor and inconspicuously blow it? Decisions…Decisions…..Again, more risk. If I go on my floor, I run the risk of being seen. Wait…I know what you’re thinking…so what?!?! Ahhh….another part of the shitology effect – the odor, the embarrassment, the watcher.

You ever walk into a bathroom and someone has damn near set off 8 stink bombs in that joint? You can’t even stay in there without thinking to yourself something like “What the hell did they eat?” or Holy Shit Batman or Damn, what the fugg?” You get a wiff and it’s paralyzing! Now at this point, you can either roll out or if you’re like me, you get nosy. You start wondering who the hell is packing that punch?!?! So you know what you do right?!?!?!? In a non-blatant way, you look to see if you can see who’s doing it. Maybe you peep the shoes – okay, that’s what I do – so you can get more insight as to who’s doing it. Then you label them the stinky man and don’t shake their hands for the rest of the day. That’s how it goes. I don’t want to be known as the stinky man. It’s hard enough making a positive name for yourself in corporate America.

So I do what “they” do at my job. I decide that I can’t wait, I gotta go. So I trot my ass down to another floor and drop my load. I get in the bathroom. Ahhh. No one. The coast is clear. Next, you have those thin ass pieces of film, overlay whatever that you’re supposed to place on the toilet before you plop. How many people you think actually do that? Don’t answer that. For some reason I have a hard time getting that thing to align properly with the toilet. It’s not fuggin’ rocket science. I sit, awkwardly of course cause I don’t want anyone to see my shoes (they’ll know it’s me 🙂 ) I plop. I go. Now while I’m going I’m thinking to myself please don’t let anyone walk in the bathroom. Please don’t let it stink that bad. Please don’t let my ass do the beat box shitology effect—-> the ass beat box. You know that right? When you shit and your ass just makes all this damn noise. It’s like shitarts – a combination of shit and farts. And as soon as I think that last thought, some idiot walks in the bathroom. Damn.

Okay, I’m cool right. I’m done. I go through the cleanup process and dude is still in the bathroom. WTF?!?!? Piss, wash your hands and move on dude. But noooooo, he’s hanging around. I’m peeping through the crack of the stall trying to see what dude is doing and when I can make my exit. This mofo must’ve drank 8 gallons of water cause I swear a good 5 minutes went past and he was still pissing!!!!! Finally he washes his hands and leave and I bolt from the stall. Start washing my hands and get up out the bathroom.

Mission accomplished.

The moral of the story is simple. Evaluate the shitology effect and factors before shitting. It can save you.

*****I can’t believe I just wrote a whole blog about shitting. I got issues man. Issues******


~ by alwaysfunkyfresh on November 9, 2006.

One Response to “Shitology”

  1. I have gone as far as crossing the street and hitting up another building. I prefer the home court advantage also, but if you gotta go on the ‘road’, you gotta get creative. It’s a special feeling when you drop a good one, no saw you and no one came in the bathroom during. You feel like you’re the smartest thing walking….

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